Ep. 1: What Exactly is Self Worth?

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How can I build my self-esteem and my self-confidence?

Well, first of all, I pretty sure we all agree that feeling good is good. Feeling powerful and in control, appropriately, is good. We like the feeling of contentedness and for most people we do not like to be uncomfortable! Pain is no bueno, and confusion and sadness are hard to live with. What is is it like to BE in the moment and BE whole and complete? To love not only who we are but what we are about? What is it like to enjoy our lives and enjoy our own company?? Have you ever enjoyed a moment in time? What was that like?

Do You Know What it is Like to Love Yourself?

Have you ever had such confidence that it seems natural? 

Remember learning to drive a car, and now it was so hard and you had to concentrate so hard? It was scary for sure. So much to think about at the same time. I remember thinking my big sister was SO cool because she could do it. And she did is so fast and so well. It was natural to her. What the heck? How did she do that so easily and with such confidence? Gee, when things are natural, they just exist  and then we can go to the next thing. We can focus on other things and other people. When I don’t have to think about how to drive my car, I can naturally then, think about where I am am going and what I am going to do when I get there. Confidence and self- honor help us BE, then we can focus on doing. 

Is it OK to Love You?

Having self-satisfaction is NOT just SO easy. It is not natural to most of us. That is why I have taken the time to create this Self-Esteem exercise and taken the time to write this BLOG. It is not so intuitive, there needs to be steps. The first step is, to know that the answer is YES. It is SO OK to have self respect and love. All the prophets of old and all the honored and revered leaders love themselves. Self love is mandatory. Yes, self-love is mandatory to progress to actualization in this life. It is mandatory to be our best and highest good It is mandatory to love others.

How? 

As we look around at people all over the place, we notice that the typical default setting happens to be low self-worth, right? Think about all the people you know. It seems to be the normal thing that people have kind of low self-esteem and tend to dis on themselves, people are usually just not so nice to themselves. Hmm. Yet the default setting for a three-year-old is definitely high self love, and as life gets a hold of us, oops there goes our confidence, so oh dear. Okay well, that's the way it is. So what do we do about it?

What would Great Self-Esteem look like?

First of all, what would it look like if you had really great self-worth, what would it be like? The best way to know what something looks like, is to look around at all the people your respect. Think about someone that you idolize or strive to be like. It’s easy to see when someone does not like themselves. Thy seem to stand out. They seem to spread their feel-bad all over the room. It is easy to see when someone is depressed or ornery or negative. Oh boy, here they come, here comes their stuff! Here comes the feel bad. It is almost like a black hole and all the good that was once around you, gets sucked out. Whoosh!  Out it goes, now everyone in the room will tend to feel bad too!

But What Happens when People Around You are Happy?

But what is it like when someone regards themselves highly? When you are around someone positive, the same thing happens. The emotional light is lit in the room. The term EMOTIONAL CONTAGION, a term in my communication textbooks, apples. Here. The emotion is contagious and spreads all over the room. Do you know someone who lights up a room? Do you light up a room or do you suck the energy out? Which one??

Who are the Cool People? Really?

It is helpful to think of real life people, but you may also want to look at fictitious characters, maybe the Avengers, ha. 

Super Man and Bugs Bunny have it Going On!

How do Superman or Bugs Bunny have self esteem? Maybe it is because they are super talented, and strong. But wait, Bugs doesn't seem to have many skills except extreme confidence. How cool is he? When is the last time you watched a show with Bugs Bunny in it? Maybe go to Youtube and watch an episode to refresh your memory. He is the bomb. And that confidence gets him anything he wants! People respect him, people obey him, people stay out of his way or they want to follow him around. He commands the ultimate respect.

You! 

Walking around, going to work, working out with your family, your friends. What's it like if you really had High self respect, right NOW? Hmm, interesting. How would you behave? How would you stand? What would you focus on? The definition of self-worth is feeling like you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect. It's a sense of one's value or worth as a person.

Rate Yourself

So on a scale from 1 to 10, where would you say your self-esteem is at right now? Let’s say a 10 would be Jesus Christ, Dalai Lama, or those that we respect and we know as our teachers and philosophers and prophets. So where are you 1 to 10 right now?

Your Baseline

Where you think you are, right now, on a scale from 1-10, is your baseline. Keep in mind, just by the way for the sake of this podcast is there are some that argue that there's a differentiation between the definition of worth and esteem. Meaning self-worth is kind of an inherent thing and self-esteem as an external thing. And that's kind of the definition in the industry. And there's a distinction yet for today. I don't really care which word we use because we're going to fix it anyway. So the words are interchangeable for me for today,

Self Esteem Exercise. Meet my friends, Ellen and Cindy.

I want to start by telling you about two of my metaphorical friends. Okay. And we're going to, we're going to pretend that we're going to go to a cabin. You and me and some friends, a bunch of people. It's going to be so much fun. There's going to be water skiing at this lake. It's so beautiful. And we're going to have food and just hang out and have a really great time and each one of us gets to bring one other person. So I was going to ask you if you wanted me to bring Cindy or Ellen and I just want to tell you a little bit about each one of them so you can tell me which friend you'd like me to bring to hang out for the weekend.

Here’s Cindy

Let me tell you about my friend Cindy. Can I just tell you how cute she is? Okay. Cute is like you don't know whether you say beautiful or cute like it's kind of ridiculous when you look at her, she's like perfect. And she's super rich. Like she has so much money and runs corporations and businesses like an entrepreneur and it's just like, oh my gosh, her car is so cool. Like she has this really cool convertible and we could go popping around in that thing and oh, her legs are saw muscular, but they're thin at the same time, that slim fit thing like, okay, fine, whatever. She doesn't live in a gym, but she looks like.

Oh, she's so smart. She knows everything. Oh. And her hair is so beautiful and her kids are perfect. She has I think like a bunch of kids and they're just all educated and oh my gosh, her husband is so good looking too. So that's Cindy, she's really cool.

Here’s Ellen

So then I have Ellen and so let me tell you about her and see what you think. If I had one friend to go to with a problem, it would be Ellen. She's the one that I talked to and she listens. She totally like listens to me. She gives me feedback. She's truly a faithful friend. She's super honest. I can always depend on her to be there for me. There's never been a time that I've needed anything that I didn't call and she wasn't there physically or emotionally or mentally for me.She's average looking. She's just real, real, real, real. And I could go on because she has every quality I can think of that's just great and truly easy to be around. So anyway, that's Cindy and Ellen. And which one do you want me to invite now?

Which one should I invite to the Cabin?

Alright, you men, there are some of you men that might want Cindy to come just because she's HOT, but I'm not talking to you. LOL, Okay, let's start over. I'm just talking to my girlfriends and we're going to have a girls trip and we're starting over. And which friend would you like to have come? Usually, when I teach workshops, it's unanimous. Everyone wants Ellen. Nobody wants Cindy. And the punchline is why?

WHY?

Why is it that most of us to get our self-esteem and self-worth up, want to be like Cindy and be the person nobody likes.

Oh my gosh, I am guilty of that. I am. So we've gotta rethink this.

The Punch Line

Every day We're trying so hard to be the person no one really likes! What??

Let's rethink this because if we're going to do that and be the person, no one likes and we're all perfect, well maybe that sucks. Apparently, we still have low self-worth. Dang it.

Next exercise

Okay. Then let's do another  assessment. Sound good? Let's get busy and fix this. I want you to answer the following question? "I have good self-esteem when....? If you're sitting there, get a pencil and paper out. If you're driving, think about it. I have good self-esteem when...? When What? Think about it.

Write down 15 positive qualities about yourself

I want you to write down 15 positive qualities that you have. I do this with my college students each quarter and with all my clients and in most cases, people struggle to come up with them. I had one student email me yesterday, "I just couldn't come up with 15 I got to 10 but after about two days I kept thinking about it and I finally got my 15." That's awesome. So write down your 15 positive qualities. Dun, Dun, Dun Dun.

Next Step

Now go back to that list and put an E or I next to every item on the list. E is external. I have good self-esteem When my kids look wonderful. I have good self-esteem and I can brag about my grandkids. I have good self-esteem When I can brag about anything. I have good self-esteem When I look really good. Internal(I) would be I have good self-esteem When I feel connected to spirit. I have really good self-esteem When I feel like there's flowing relationships and I can add to a relationship. I have good self-esteem when I'm in control of my body and what I eat and how I exercise. I have good self-esteem when I'm knowledgeable, I have good self-esteem when I'm giving when I am of service. So on your list, how many E's, how many I do you have in the very, very best way to have really, really bad self-esteem is have all external things that you base your self-esteem on. Oops, oops. So if you have all E's, let's fix that too. So now we're going to fix that.

Did you write down 15 positive qualities about yourself?

You can pause for a minute if you need to think. No battle, I will wait for you to think of 15. Want are 15 things that are good about you or that you do well? Well my college students seem to have a hard time with this. They can usually think of about 8 and then they pause. But if we wait long enough, they all come up with 15 things. If you need to dig deep, OK just say you are good at getting dressed or tying your shoe. Or I know you are good at taking care of a pet, or being a good friend. Everyone has millions of good things about them and can do millions of things well. So can you. I didn't ask you if you were a famous singer or millionaire. Just what are you good at? Making our bed? Planning a fun event? Getting up on time? Write them down, 15 of them and move on to the next step.

You Can Do It

Now, this is a little bit different than external and internal, so it's kind of the same but different. So you can go ahead and actually put external things on this list. Like I really cook really super well. It's just a positive thing about me? I don't really base my self-esteem on it. It's just something that is a positive thing about me. Now what I'd like you to do is circle two of those positive qualities that you're not so good at lately and/or two of those internal qualities that you're not so good at lately. So look at the two lists and think of two of them that you're just not that good at lately.

Internal and External Qualities

And as you're thinking about that, realize that there are some topics that can be internal and also external. Why did you get a degree? So people would think I'm cool is external, internal is so I can help my clients best and learn more. That's internal. So sometimes some of the items on your lists are both.

There it is!

You have your internal and external list. You have your 15 positive qualities, they kind of overlap a little bit and you're going to circle two from either list - one list or the other that you need to work on. It may be that I'm not as loving as I have been in the past. Circle it. What do we do with this now? We have a day timer. If on your day timer, every single day you said, I'm going to practice the violin, and every day you did, would you get better? Yep. I'm going to practice the piano every day. Would you get better?

Practice

So whatever you practice every single day you're going to get better at. So you've got these positive qualities or internal attributes that you've written down. I'm going to work on love today. Then I'm going to go get stamps. (Who has stamps anyway? Ha) Just got to have them in the queue somewhere, once in a while I need them. And then I'm going to work on faith or I'm really going to focus on service today or being helpful or listening better and you can practice them. And then next week you put two more and next week, two more.

I Promise You!

I am looking you in the eye and I'm promising you if you put two things on your to-do list, those internal qualities or positive qualities that you're just not that good at lately and you practice them. Especially the internal qualities and you practice and you practice your internal qualities, your self-love baby, will increase by far and away.

Keep it up!

Now I have lots of self-sustaining, building activities. Lots of confidence building activities, tips on how to turn off the Negative Thoughts in your head and at this point, as you practice what I've shared with you so far, notice how you start to have more control of your life. Your life is more flourishing and you're living the life you want. You know, feeling good, is good. It is good. Have a great day. Thanks for joining. And we'll talk soon.

You Are Not a Robot! How to Overcome Techno Stress

My best friend these days seems to be my computer. She can play music, help me communicate with other people via email, help me scan the globe with an insurmountable amount of information via the www and to top it off she remembers everything I tell her. Her memory is amazing. In a second’s time she can retrieve any info that she has stored, even from years ago. My other great friend is my fax machine. I can input tons of into and sure enough, just as programmed she spits otu the documents perfectly in the right order. My copier is a true blue buddy. Making a perfect copy of what is on the original doc. How in the heck does she remember everything and copy it accuractely. In addiction, my colleague “Three Way Call” is a very necessary part of my life. She so expertly connects two human voices from anywhere in the whole entire world. How does she do that? And call waiting; puts the circuits on hold while I am on another call and keeps the connection live for my timely return. How does that happen?

I lie in my bed and thank my best friends for being so great…..but I lay awake all nigth wondering how I can keep them busy since they are all so willing to work 24 hours a day. I have a stomach ache and my head hurts. I get up to drink some warm milk and my mind races.

The next day at the psychiatrists office he prompty prescribes valium and/or anxiety meds. He treats me for depression and heavily medicates me because I can hardly keep my mind in order these days. Nothing seems to help.

Then one day, while chatting with my Life Coach that was assisting me in making sense of my miserable life, he profoundly said, “You seem to be best friends with robots that have no internal intrinsic purpose, passion, or feelings. They never feel bad and never have joy. And by the way, you are not a robot!”

My “awe” caught my breath. “No I am NOT a robot!” Yet I have surrounded myself with these aliens all the while thinking we were equals and that they were assisting me in my journey towards success and happiness. My Life Coach helped me realize that my mind was limited by the human brain and body and could process only about 5 bits of information on a conscious level at the same time…..hum that is less than my beautiful computer–she can process billions of information at the same time. Hey that is not fair; no life does not seem fair when we compare apples to horses.

Information overload….is an epidemic that man himself created. We crafted robots to run high speed information across the globe but we forget to acknowledge our human frailties that not keep up with the robots. We need to remember that we need breaks in the mid day for our bodies and minds. We need 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep each and every night. We need to constantly organize our minds with day timers and planners and say “No” more often. We need to change our sensory input to right and left stimulus and look up at the sky and count our blessings and acknkowledge God. We must remember that we are children of a greater being and that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Life is to enjoy and it is possible when we let the robots do their tasks and recognize our limitations savoring our human abilites and uniqueness.

The Mystery of Hypnosis – Fact or Fiction?

The old black and white movies show the hypnotist with his swinging crystal on a chain, the pendulum waving back and forth until he has control of his subject’s mind. The awaited command is finally given: “Kill him.” The zombie opens his glazed eyes and in his altered state, rises to complete his assigned mission. His robotical motions propel him towards the task that will not be defeated until he has dispersed blood and left the lifeless body in the river.

The mystery of hypnosis is as old as the ages. What is it? How does it occur? And is it indeed factual?

A trance is a common and natural state; everyone experiences different levels of trance many times each day whether it is driving to work or using the computer.

Hypnosis is a deeper, guided state of trance that includes a state of relaxation with the conscious mind clear and the unconscious mind open and receptive to change at a deep level. It is a state of mind that goes into “The Nothing.” The mind is just open and nowhere. When in a trance the body feels light or as if the body is absent. Another form of trance is a state of heightened receptivity with intense internal focus and concentration where the rest of the world is shut off.

You may say, “I can’t be hypnotized.” That idea is false! The correct statement is, “I won’t allow someone to guide me into a state of hypnosis.” It is important to note that with permission – and permission only – can a hypnotist guide a client to this state and offer suggestions that will seep quickly into the unconscious.

Just as one cannot “make” another go into a state of sleep, no one can “make” another go into a state of trance. You would not say, “I can’t go to sleep.” You would say, “I can’t be made to go to sleep.” If one has permission to guide the other into a state of sleep, then they may gently say calming phrases, rub their arm or use other methods to induce sleep. Only with permission in the same way can someone guide another into a trance.

Humans have the most advanced brain of the entire animal world. Human minds have something called the critical factor. The critical factor is one’s reasoning between the conscious and the unconscious mind. The critical factor is always in place to keep you safe and in line with your moral boundaries. No hypnotist can make another person do anything that they are not actually willing to do because the critical factor that is aware of behaviors even at an unconscious level.

Therapeutic hypnotherapists use permission and value-based inductions. They say words you want to hear and agree with such as, “While you relax… for a very good purpose you have come here today… as you notice what is important in your life, you allow yourself to relax ten times more,” etc.

Stage hypnosis is different from therapeutic hypnosis. Stage hypnotherapists use an authoritarian method; they give commands rather than suggestions. Some people are more predisposed to authoritarian-based hypnosis while others are more suggestible to permission-based hypnosis. The stage hypnotist has a four part screening process that sifts out participants to get the outgoing, outrageous personalities on stage sort out those who would not contribute to the fun of the show:

1. The hypnotist invites only those who want to come on stage. People who are not “show offs” do not come on stage.
2. They give a command such as “Hold the rope tighter and tighter” and notices who is suggestible to the authoritarian commands. All those that are not get kicked off stage.
3. They notice who has a fun, entertaining personality. If they do not, they are asked to leave.
4. The hypnotist notices who is attentive, who can just let go of caring, go into a trance and be obedient. If they are not, they are kicked off.

The remaining participants on stage are the ones that allow the show to go on. If someone does not contribute to the show, the hypnotist systematically has them leave the stage. Yes, the participants on stage are actually in a deep state of hypnosis. Yes, they are hypnotized and yes, it is real. The audience is simply not aware of his masterful screening process, so it appears that he has just grabbed a group of random people and is able to control their minds. In actuality, there is no control going on, only a permission-based trance with the appropriate levels of suggestibility.

Keep in mind that mind control, or brainwashing, and hypnosis are completely different. Webster’s dictionary defines brainwashing as “a forcible indoctrination to induce someone to give up basic political, social, or religious beliefs and attitudes and to accept contrasting regimented ideas” and may happen over time as someone is lead to believe something on both the conscious and unconscious levels. For example, let’s say you were taught that on each Thursday, in order to please God you were to jump up and down before the fireplace five times and shout “Praise the Lord.” You may begin to believe this as you watch your whole family join in this ritual over the years. This is not mind control; it may be called environmentally formed beliefs or family beliefs. Hypnosis would not be necessary to accomplish this belief formation.

Meditation is a form of self-hypnosis where one is self-guided into a relaxed and heightened state of concentration. They may have a predetermined mantra or affirmation that they say or think to themselves while meditating. In the state of trance, suggestions implant deeper in the inner workings of the mind. This is a wonderful process for self-development and inner power.

Hypnosis is powerful and effective. When hypnosis is combined with other action-oriented methods, possibilities of success are endless. Call your hypnotherapist and schedule your impactful session today.

Darlene Braden is a Clinical Hypnotherapist and Best Selling Author of, What Stops You, Overcome Self-Sabotage, Personal and Professional. Do you want to achieve your dreams, goals and visions? Darlene’s FREE eBook – Create the Life You Want – shows you how.

Eden’s Rainbow

Eden Rona
Mrs. Wolverton
English 1010
September 24
My very own Rainbow

When I read the message on my phone I froze, rereading the words in my head. I couldn’t understand. My legs gave out and my heart rose to my throat. Every beat made my body flinch. Not him, please not him. Questions raced through my mind. I tried to talk but I couldn’t find the words to say. I mumbled and stuttered but it was impossible for anyone to understand. After minutes of torturing thoughts, I forced myself to spit out the words I didn’t want to believe. “My Dad…he’s hurt.”

Ryan was the first to know. After two years of being together we were pretty much inseparable. I was watching him as his team dominated in his dodge ball game. That is when I got the text. He picked me up right in the middle of the game and headed for the emergency exit. He raced to his car as if his life depended on it; not slowing down or even breaking a sweat. He buckled me in and then sped away heading toward the hospital. I can remember his face; Worry is his eyes, concern in his smile. I could tell he didn’t know what to do in this situation. He kept trying to tell me everything was going to be okay, but he couldn’t quite finish his sentence. That was Ryan though, always trying to please others, even when it was impossible.

My mom was waiting outside the emergency room. There was terror soaked into her face. It was bad and she couldn’t hide it from me; the answer was right there in her expression. I jumped out of the car and shot into her arms. She hugged me tighter than ever before. Then she grabbed my hand and we began to walk inside. She explained what happened. I could see it all in my head as she spoke. My tough, unbreakable dad on his way home from choir practice, his bright green, brand new motorcycle glistening in the moonlight. How it really happened is still a mystery, but he laid there helpless in the gutter. I could imagine him trying so hard to get up, he was never a quitter. My heart sunk as my mom continued with the details while were led to see him before he went into surgery. I turned the corner and there he was lying on a hospital bed. A yellow neck brace hugged his throat and tubes were helping him to breath. His flawless face was cut up and broosed. I had never seen my dad so weak, he was the strongest person I had ever met; the one who taught me how to ride my first bike, the one who taught my how to beat up a boy and he was the one that told me to always follow my dreams no matter what stood in the way. How could he be like this now? I ran to his side and clung on to his hand. Tears streamed down my face as I begged him not to leave me. The nurses made me let go and rolled him away.

My family was led up to level five. We piled into the waiting room. The lights were dim and tissue boxes were on every table. Chairs lined the walls and we filled them up then waited. My eyes were glued to the clock and hours slowly went by, one am, two am, three am, four am. Then finally the doctor stepped into the room. His white scrubs seemed to glow as he entered and a haunting feeling followed him.

His words I will never forget. “I am sorry. We did all that we could but it is time to prepare for the worst and gather the family.” I stopped breathing and my body began to shake. I grabbed my brother’s shirt as I began to sob. I didn’t sleep the few hours of the night that were left. All I could do was pray for a miracle and I didn’t stop until we were allowed to go back and see my dad.

When I saw him again I couldn’t help but gasp. My dad had always been handsome. He was still mistaken to be in his thirties when he was well into his fifties and he never let us forget that. He was a strong man, with abs of steal and arms great enough to hold all five children. He had dark curly hair that grew upward instead of down and clear blues eyes that unmistakably showed his love for others. The man I saw in front of me was completely changed. His hair was gone, his eyes were swollen with black and blue circles around them, and he lay there limp and powerless. That first day was the hardest.

The hospital turned into our new home. We were there every day and clung to our dad’s side; talking to him and holding his hand. Every second we searched for a response. Pictures covered my dad’s room and classical music was always playing in the background. He was a concert pianist and we all believed that the beautiful melodies would bring him back to us. I learned to stare at his feet. They would move every once in a while and they were the one thing that hadn’t changed. His little feet and stubby toes became my favorite things to look at.

After a week and a half of no improvement the doctors told us we had important decisions to make. We were told that there was a 95% chance conditions would remain exactly as they were and the other 5% was that he would be handicapped for the rest of his life. He wouldn’t be able to talk, walk, or even move the left side of his body. I hated thinking about my tan athletic dad stuck in a wheel chair and mentally disabled. He would hate that. He was out in his garden every day; whether it was weeding, planting knew plants, or even picking his fruits and vegetables to give to the neighbors. He wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. Even worse, he wouldn’t be able to play the piano; that was his life. It was his way of touching other people’s lives. After all of the information I still couldn’t let go. I needed to be able to talk to him everyday, for advice, for comfort; he was my best friend.

More days went by and my heart was torn in two. Being the youngest child, my other siblings tried to comfort me and help me be at peace, but I couldn’t move on without knowing that my dad still loved me. I remember my dad telling me that the day grandma died, she sent a rainbow clear across the valley to say, “I love you.” It was a very special memory and symbol for my family. I would ask him every day, “Dad please send me a rainbow. Ill be looking.” I looked every day but I never saw one.

The twelfth day was it. The terrible decision we were fighting to make was final…Slowly methodically and sealed with prayer, all the tubes were removed and every brace was taken off. He laid there breathing slowly all by himself. I watched as his chest went up and down. I knew I only had a few seconds left to spend with my dad.

Every single one of my siblings stood in a circle, hand in hand, including my dad. It had been a long time since we had all been together. We watched as our dad, our lifetime hero, took his last breath. His chest slowly stopped moving and tears filled the room. I felt so empty, as if my heart had been ripped out. That’s when I saw it; sunlight through the window reflected a rainbow spreading across the wall behind my dad. All my horrible thoughts and fears disappeared. He sent it to me to let me know he was still there and would always remain by my side. I will always remember the moment my dad made me my very own rainbow.

The Joy of Holiday Stress

“Stop the noise, stop the traffic, and stop bugging me!” She yells. “Excuse me; is the screaming in my mind bothering you?”

Do you have Hurry-Sickness? Does standing in a long holiday line that is not moving freak you out? Is Santa coming just a bit too soon this year? Do you want to alleviate stress so you can enjoy the holidays? How would this affect your business and personal life? Have you ever wondered what a stress-free life would be like?

The truth is that a stress-free life would be boring and would have no purpose or passion. A stress-free life would be useless and sad. Based on Webster’s definitions, we can see that stress is what causes us to grow and experience life:

Stress : force, pressure, strain, emphasis , force-producing change .

According to this definition, stress is necessary for change . Armed with this knowledge, we can understand that without stress, muscles atrophy and without mental stress (stimulation), our minds would stagnate. It is also true, however, that there is a negative consequence when stress and pressure become too much to bear. A simpler and more appropriate definition may be:

No Stress = Dead or Dead Bored

Appropriate Stress = Progress and Growth

You will be happy to know that you can learn to control your stress by understanding its cause and purpose. You can also learn to shift your stress levels by controlling your thoughts. But first, it is important to know the difference between positive and negative stresses.

Positive vs. Negative Stress

“How can stress be positive or negative?” you may ask. Consider the following:

• If an Olympic athlete were in the blocks for the 200 meter race and they were very relaxed, they wouldn’t run very fast would they? On the opposite side of things, what if the Olympic runner knew that there was an assassin in the stands? This amount of stress may make him falter.
• A student usually performs better when there is a deadline. On the other hand, if they are breaking up with their girlfriend that day, the stress will most likely cause them to perform poorly.
• Actors perform best with at live audience but weeks of nitpicking by a lunatic director will hinder their ability to concentrate.

Positive stress helps us to keep motivated and grow as a human being. Negative stress slows us down, creates disease, takes us out of society, and causes fatigue and more.

Our bodies do not function properly when they are under great amounts of stress. Abnormal amounts of stress can put us at a greater risk for health problems such as ulcers, colitis, heart attacks or a general decrease of immune response.

In a lab study, rats were taught a task and then punished for doing the trick. (Wow. That is mean.) This stress caused the rats to have illnesses, premature aging, hardening of the arteries and premature death. They also found a shrinking of all the lymph glands which contributed to a decrease in general immune response, thus the rats died from minor infections.

In another study, researchers tested what effect “control” has on stress. Two groups were observed. Both groups are exposed to distraction noise while performing tasks that demanded concentration. One group had a “control button” that would block out the noise if they so desired. The productivity of the group with the control button was as expected; it was remarkably higher than the group without the control button. It is interesting to note that no one pushed the control button , but just knowing it was there made all the difference in their performance.

Fight vs. Flight Response

At the beginning of time, cavemen experienced the fight or flight syndrome. When under attack, they would respond with either fight, hitting and defending with adrenalin, or flight, running away from the threat.

Today, we may stand at a podium to give a speech and have immense stress. Since it is not appropriate to start screaming or running out of the room, we stand there with all the blood draining out of our brains and extremities. It is hard to think clearly and our legs feel like Jell-O.

Our bodies can handle fight or flight the old fashioned way by hitting or running away, but a fly buzzing around our head all evening is more than we can usually take. It seems that our body’s natural response has no sense of humor.

Natural Responses to Stress

Some of the natural responses to stress are: thyroid hormone increases in the bloodstream, a shut-down of the entire digestive track, increase of cholesterol in the blood, racing heartbeat, blood thickens, skin pales and sweats and all five senses become acute.

Situations that aggravate your stress include bad genetics, insomnia, poor diet, obesity, unrealistic goals, tobacco and caffeine, wrong job, financial distress, and an unstable household.

Situations that help you handle stress are: good genetics, sense of humor, right diet, realistic goals, relaxation skills, enough sleep, planning ahead, financial security, and a stable home.

Handling Stress Constructively

Since we cannot control our genetics, we need to focus on what we do have control of and use it to our benefit.

Remember that positive stress pumps us up, helps us to look forward to things, and keeps us alive with purpose. Since we know that an appropriate amount of stress is wonderful and important to feel alive, the task is to learn how to balance and control stress to have such passion.

Stress is a communication from your body to your mind. Learn to shift your stress levels by controlling your thoughts. What is your stress trying to tell you?

• Identify whose issue the stress really belongs to.
• If the issue is yours, take care of it. Don’t let it sit and weigh you down.
• Are you just taking on someone else’s issue? If so, in your mind, send it back to them or give it to Santa.
• What is the meaning that you are making to this stress?
• Will it matter in 100 years?
• What can you do about it?
• What are you going to do about it?
• How about focus on something else?

Reduce your stress for the season by following some of these great tips. They will help you to shift “too much stress” into appropriately balanced stress for the season.

• Monitor your stress level. Be aware of where you are on a scale of 1-10.
• Take 2 minutes to sit back, let go and relax twice a day.
• Focus on who you really want to give gifts to this year rather than who you should give to. You don’t have to give so many presents!
• Take care of yourself by doing things that make you feel good. Then you will have more energy to help others.
• Write your feelings in your day planner so you can see them objectively.
• Talk it out. Sit on Santa’s lap and tell him your woes.
• Alternate from left brain to right brain activities. Go from balancing your checkbook to walking around the neighborhood and enjoy the lights. From construction work to reading a holiday murder thriller. From talking to people all day to helping your son with algebra. By doing this you remain in a constant state of stress but shift from right brain to left brain, to internal and then external stress.
• Cry and then laugh. A hearty, “Ho, Ho, Ho,” is always expressive.
• Stop and find what is funny about your stress. Then put on an elf hat and get through it with a little humor.
• Discover the limiting beliefs that are causing your stress. A small limiting belief can create tremendous amounts of stress. Once the belief is gone, so is the stress!
• Plan ahead and use time management. Go to the mall on Monday mornings when hardly anyone is there.
• Say “No” more often. It’s ok to tell your 16 year old, “No, you can’t have a Ferrari for Christmas.”
• Lighten up. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Enjoy the atmosphere of celebration that surrounds you!
• Sing really loud – or better yet – scream for fun while alone in the car.

Enjoy the “busyness” and all the things you get to do this month. Notice how much more you are accomplishing in your business. Focus on love and take your time to feel the joy of “presence” with those you care about this holiday season. Who knows? It may stick with you until next holiday season!

May you experience the JOY of stress this year!

Happy Holidays!

Who Would You BE If You Were Thin And Trim?

Who am I? This age old question is a pending thought for all of us. When one considers losing weight, there are many self–sabotaging reasons that stop us from having the body we want. One of the main reasons that people don’t have the body they want is because of identity; they simply don’t know who they would be in the new body.

Imagine this. You go to the doctor and he asks you to open your mouth. He puts a few drops of fluid under your tongue and within 1 minute you morph into a different ethnic group. For example, if you were Caucasian you would turn Afro American; if you were Asian, you become Caucasian. What would that be like? You leave the doctor’s office and you have a different mind set, culture and would be viewed differently. Who would you be? What would you do to try to fit into society in this new body?

If you lose 50 lbs of fat or more, your body will dramatically change and in the same way as the example above, you would need to learn to accept the new body and way of being. This helps us understand that identity development is necessary in the process of weight loss.

One way to find out who you are, deep down, is to consider who you were at age 5. What did you do? What was your personality like? As you look at yourself at age 5, notice that “being” and “doing” were very separate at that time. Ponder that thought for a moment.

As we become adults, we lose that separateness of “being” and “doing.” Take a moment now to realize that who you are is NOT what you do. When you can separate these in your mind, create a list of who you are, independent of doing; examples include: love, compassion, kindness, helpfulness, loyalty and more. Focus on these internal qualities; no matter what you look like, you are a beautiful person.

When you focus on your internally beautiful qualities you are then free to look thin and fit.

Why are you FAT?

Overcome Self-Sabotage

Why are you fat? What stops you from having the body you want? Do you love to eat? Do you feel lazy sometimes? Are you frustrated with your body and have tried every diet known? You are not alone. According to the National Health and Nutrition Examination Surveys, nearly two thirds of Americans over the age of 20 are overweight or obese. Our children are the first generation that will be more obese than their parents. Food is everywhere: restaurants on every street, grocery stores filled to the gills with calories, and any treat you want is no more than five minutes away. In addition, television, movies and computer obsessions engulf our days and living a sedentary, indulged life is the new American way.

On the flip side, there are health clubs scattered no more than 10 minutes away, personal trainers are a dime a dozen and articles are available on health and fitness in every publication. With the added availability of food and health resources, you can still look in the mirror and see a sight that is not what you had planned for in life. Why?

Addressing this issue of body image and weight does not simply come down to desire or self control. The reason you don’t have the body you want is because of many reasons, one of which is the unconscious processes that are going on in the deeper levels of your mind.

To simplify what stops you from having the body you want, look at the following three specific areas:

1. Actions that you take or don’t take
2. Skills of knowing what and how to achieve a task
3. Mental Processes that run deep in the unconscious realms of your mind. Your unconscious mind is what rules your thoughts and behaviors.

When you put the three areas together it is really fast and powerfully easy to make progress towards a thinner fit body. They all blend – putting Skill into Action with the right Mental Processes creates change.

To begin, get out of denial! See your body the way it really is. Look in the mirror at your naked self for at least 10 minutes today. Look in a rear view mirror and on each side. Look, stare, gawk and then decide to take immediate action to change.

Actions include: eat less, exercise more, and build muscle; buy the right walking shoes, get a club membership and do actions that set you in motion.

Skills include: learn all you can about the subject, study, interview thin people, practice skills of coordination and balance.

Now most importantly, you need to work on your Mental Processes. Believing that it is possible, believing and imagining what you will look like with the body you want, believing you are worth it; feeling worthy of being beautiful, feeling the possibilities of weighing the correct weight for your height, believing you can achieve results. To have the body you want, read self-help books on self-esteem, belief changing and identity development. Learn to love yourself, grow your self-esteem and know it is possible to learn actions skills and understand thinking processes for success. Build your spirituality and make sure you connect your spirituality with your body; meaning honor your God given body with thanks for the vehicle you have been provided to help you live your purpose in this life.

When you can clearly see in your mind’s eye your future self, thin and healthy, only then will you begin to make permanent and natural changes. Since the future has not happened yet, make it up, see yourself the way you want to be. See it, Feel it, Believe it and Have it!

Tragedy on the 4th of July and What I Learned

As tragedy strikes in our lives, helplessness sets in and is one of the most difficult emotions to sort through and understand. This is a personal story of my loss and despair this 4th of July. Because of my understanding of the unconscious mind I was able to come up with surprising thoughts and learning’s. Rarely used thinking strategies can help all of us to overcome self-sabotage in a powerful way.

Helplessness is one of the most difficult emotions to sort through and understand. Fear and anger seem to have a more tangible conclusion and remedy, but helplessness goes deep into the meaning of life and attempts to destruct the soul, manifesting as self-sabotage.

I lived through a helpless tragedy last night, the eve of the 4th of July 2007. At about 11:30 PM the phone rang and I immediately wondered who would be calling so late. My caller ID said it was from Kathy, my good friend and neighbor, and I anxiously answered the phone. Kathy said, “Have you looked outside?” I said that I was in my office checking email and filing some client files. She said,”The whole neighborhood is in your yard because the entire mountain is on fire.” My husband and I ran outside to see a blaze that was as big as a crater about 30 acres wide, overtaking the slope.

As mentioned in my “What Stops You?” book, I live at about 5000 elevated feet across the frontage road from jetting mountains that ascend to about 7000 feet on the front peak and 8000 on the back peak. My favorite place in the world is on my swing on my back patio that sets my gaze directly upon the jagged rocks of the mountain’s face. The trees in my yard frame the portrait perfectly for a magnificent breath taking experience. It is often my place of refuge and inspiration to write my books.

My mountain on fire? My mountain being destroyed? My view being tormented to ashes and coal? As we watched the scenario unfold from our side yard, the hubbub and mayhem escalated; fire engines, sirens, cops, flashlights, and on- looker’s panic. I realized that all my neighbors considered that mountain theirs as well. “We live here and pay the mortgage for that view!” they said. My heart sank. My piece of pleasure, my treat at the end of the day, my serene scene being engulfed as I stood there; nothing I could do.

There was talk of evacuation for the near-by houses. What would I take? My kids were out and about, not at home so they were OK. My favorite dog died a few months ago and he was not there… I would take my pictures and my computer. Should I run in and gather or should I act as relaxed and entertained as the teenagers standing around saying, “Cool.”

Inside my heart, sadness took over. 55 firefighters started the war against the heat and rage. Because it was so late, the helicopters with water were going to come in the morning. The morning? What? The whole mountain will be gone by then. Looking up, we saw brave firemen climbing and scaling the hill with shovels, flashlights and courage. They were excellently trained to dig a trench along the bottom edge to create a fire wall. Finally our homes were out of danger, but the torch continued up and over the peak only to ravish the other side into the gully.

It is now 7:30 PM on July 4th. Almost 25 hours later, I still hear helicopters carrying water from a man-made pool that the fighters created, that held water for their huge baskets to carry over the hill. The smoke is dissipating and the frenzy is completing; only a smoldering site remains. It will take 2 years to start to mend and 5 years to display a green view again.

As my husband and I walked back inside, I started to wilt. “Why do the things I love most, the simple things that bring me pleasure get taken away? Since my dog was killed, who was also a great treat to me at the end of the day, my mind has not been as nimble and I begin to fall into thinking patterns that are limiting. My husband said, “Honey, what stories are you writing in your mind?” Alas, again a family member slaps me back into reality; back to no nonsense and back to remembering that I wrote a book about thinking strategies. I well know and teach that depression comes from focusing on things we don’t have instead of what we do have. I know that what we focus on we give power to. I know that we are limited by looking at something in only one way and stepping back causes a greater perspective of wisdom. I know that it is not what happens to us that causes our problems; its how we think about what happens, that causes our problems.

Now I sit alone on my swing, with out my little dog Beau by my side, looking at a charred scene. All of a sudden I magically begin to see the whole landscape behind the first hill; the second mountain rising. Hum, I had always focused on the front ridge. I begin to see things I hadn’t noticed before. I then realize that God is with me even though my dog isn’t. My family supports me and you are all my friends. I am indeed not alone. It is not just positive thinking that pulls me out of my despair; it is looking at the same problem from a different angle. Thanks to my maneuverable brain, I can find joy in any situation. I find myself in the present moment with my health, a good BBQ’d steak in my belly and passion for tomorrow’s adventures. I have decided to choose the life I want and live the life I choose. On occasion it is OK to cry, yet as future sunsets glare on my mountain for years to come, it will remind me that I have choice to see beyond the dark colors and past what seems to be obvious. Opportunity awaits all of us, by overcoming self-sabotage deep inside our minds.

Power to you in your tragedies and sorrow, power to you in finding that “choice of thoughts and actions” are the most powerful gifts we have been given in this life.

Cheers,
Darlene

My Saddest Day

To my dear friends, family, clients and readers:

I have some of the saddest news I can think of… next to my husband or kids-family being hurt. (I am grateful that they are safe and healthy.)

For those of you that come to my office in Salt Lake, you know my dear little ball of fluff, my 5 year old Maltese, Beaumont. He was killed on Tuesday, Jan 2, 07, one of the most terrible days I have ever lived. Beau was part of my office décor and greeted every guest with a desire to sit on their lap and comfort them. I always said, “Beau, go to your bed…” and he immediately obeyed scooting under my desk. He had a tiny little bed I bought from the Build A Bear store.

The reason I am sharing this news with you is in a desperate attempt to reach out for information, resources or knowledge of the life after this one. I have my spiritual beliefs that are deeply imbedded in my heart yet for some reason I am not comforted. My mind tells me he is in a great place but my body and heart worry that he is scared because his only comfort was when he was with me, safe in my arms or at my side. The scriptures say little about the next life and I haven’t found much information about animals. I have Betty Edie’s book and a few others to try to find solace.

If you have any thing to share with me I would appreciate it. I can hardly breath…I’m in a fog…There are many of you, if not each of you that have experience similar loss and I would like to compile a booklet of your experiences and learning’s for others to use in time of need; death, divorce, etc there is so much pain to experience in life, yet… I testify of the great joy that is possible too. I just can’t remember that right now.

There are great NLP techniques to help clients work through loss and I have helped many people through this process. I just can’t seem to help my self. I need a therapist…Nadine; I will be calling you…

I called my friend who’s husband died three weeks ago. I can’t imagine that. I know many of you have experienced this; losing a spouse. I said, “Trish, how do you do it?” She said, “You just pretend.” My heart is with you Trish.

Beau was at my side 100% of the time when I was at my house and office. He was ALWAYS with me and I spend most of my life at my home and office. With him gone it is not right. I know I am not taking my own advice right now and had to apologize to my little girl. It would be good if I could be a better example for her but, ya know, I just can’t do it right now.

I held his dead darling body for 8 hours after he died, combing his hair and cherishing every minute. I cried for two days straight. Yes, he is just a dog and I keep reminding myself how thankful that I am that it wasn’t one of my kids or husband or direct family member. We need to cherish every minute with those we love.

The very hideous part of all this, is how he died…I can barely tell you…aou…well, you know my office and waiting room have quite a few doors all over the place. As Beau follows me every where, even to go in the house for lunch, potty etc; I always make room for him to come through the door with me. Lacey, the cocker is many times in the pack following me around…my husband bought a new car. He came in my office and said, “Come see the car.” I was excited and followed him out. We were looking at the car for a while when I looked up I saw that we had left the waiting room door wide open…I hate a cold office…I abruptly walked over to the darn door to slam it shut so we wouldn’t waste money on the heat bill and to keep the office warm. I didn’t know Beau was running next to me. He thought we were going through the door and I was just going up to it to slam it and return to the car outside…He was scooting by me and I slammed it on Beau. Oh my hell… can you believe it? Right on his head… he immediately went into a half-coma…we rushed him to the vet…his heart beat up until we got to the vet and then it stopped. The vet grabbed him ran to the back room and immediately started beating on his little chest, real hard as though he was hitting a horse. The vet shoved tubes down his throat and started blowing, doing CPR. He got a syringe and jabbed his heart full of adrenalin, He worked on him for 20 minutes as my husband held me…so, I freekin killed my own dog. I was his safe haven an in the end, isn’t it ironic…I didn’t protect him. Wow, I am really showing my human-weak, messed up- side…sorry…That night I got on my tread mill and sprinted mile after mile just sobbing. Exercise always makes me feel better.

I would love your help as to what is next…

I am grateful that I was actually the one who shut the door on him, rather than my husband or daughter. Then I would have to comfort them and help them not feel guilty. (#**^##^!!!!!)

I saw clients to day, for the first time and I think no one knew the wiser. It helps me to assist you in your need and gives me a break from my sadness…I am sooo thankful for each of you and what you have taught me. Collectively my group of clients, friends and readers could cure all the world problems. If you have any books to read, appropriate scriptures about death, or could send your love my way I will pass it on to all those that I know, that have pain… the world can become a better place.

Thanks so much for listening, it helps to express.

BEAU, I LOVE YOU… I LOVE YOU BEAU.

Very sincerely,

Darlene
January 5th 2007

It is the next day now. Last night was most interesting…Yesterday I was in my office all day. I am finally being desensitized being in there, seeing his little bed and water bowl. I can be in there and not freak out now…I can’t go in the waiting room for too long yet and going in the house is torture. I haven’t desensitized my self to the house yet. All day I was distracted. When the evening came….oh no….my mind started to play games and flash all sorts of pictures of him….all the sudden the pic of the traumatic moment started re playing over and over; maybe because I had just written all about it. It played over and over a thousand times and started to freak me out. Finally my husband came home and I said, “Distract me, quick…say something, anything….about work, what you did to day… help.” He started to distract me while we took a drive to the bank to make a night deposit. When we got home I knew I had to face the bedroom where we have a nice couch and TV set up. Beau ALWAYS sits next to me on this couch…ah…I walked in the room and my body started to jerk. I found that the jerking helped release the body memory of him next to me so I started purposely jerking and shaking my arms and moving my body abruptly…I couldn’t believe it, it worked. I was able to sit on the couch with out the feeling that I needed him next to me.

When I started to replay the trauma pic I did eye rainbows back and forth 50 times and patted my knee and hummed a non sensible song. It really worked. (Called Brain Gym)

It’s not that I am trying to hurry and heal, it is that the pain is seriously unbearable so I just need to get out of it. The pain is almost a fear of suffocating where my eyes get big and wide and I need to do something….

That’s my learning for now.

Dogs Can’t Do Math

People make meanings to situations quickly and easily. For example, if your boss walks by you and doesn’t say “Hi,” you may think, “Oh, they don’t like me.” If a coworker is late to a lunch date, you may make it mean that they: a) don’t care about you, b) are inconsiderate or c) you are not important to them.

In addition, people use meaning equations, similar to math equations, to attach a situation or feeling to a meaning. For example: I am fat = I’m not acceptable = I’m useless = I don’t exist. In another example: I am afraid of making sales calls = I won’t make money = I am a failure = I am incapable = I’m worthless = I don’t deserve to survive = I don’t exist. Most limiting beliefs eventually equate with death or non-existence. No wonder the limiting belief of being unlovable is so drastically painful. It is not your life that causes prob lems; it is the meanings you create in your life that causes problems.

People make meaning equations constantly and continually from every conversation they have, everyone they meet, things that happen around them and things that don’t happen. People form their own perceptions and perspective all day long as though their way of thinking is a tangible reality.

Modeling others that are successful is a great way to learn. Have you ever thought of mod eling your dog? If you have a dog you will realize that they simply do not place meanings to objects or events. They don’t know the meaning of the word “why.” They never ask, “Why did you set me down? Why did you put me in the laundry room? Why can’t I go with you?” They just accept what “is” even though they may think, “I want to stay on your lap. I don’t want to go in the bathroom. I want to go with you.” But they don’t ask “why.”

Here is an example of a day with my dogs. We have two dogs, a Cocker Spaniel and a Maltese. When we go on vacation we take the dogs, of course. Beau is the Maltese, and he is really just like a 4-pound mouse with long, white hair. He is a wimp and I like to take him in my little doggy purse wher ever we go. Lacey is a bigger dog, very stalwart and hardy at about 25 pounds. Sometimes when we go, we take Beau and leave Lacey in the hotel or washroom in the condominiums. I started to feel bad about Lacey’s abandoned feelings. I imag ined that she felt sad because Beau got to go with us and she had to stay behind. Then it occurred to me that Lacey ac tually didn’t understand the same way a human would. As I contemplated the situation more, I realized that maybe Lacey was actually pretty smart because she didn’t attach the meaning of feeling bad that Beau got to go and she didn’t. The actual meaning she makes is: “I am alone in the washroom.” Period!

Here is another example. Beau can’t eat table food be cause he will just throw it up. So when we give table food to Lacey and not Beau, what meaning does Beau make? The meaning is simple: “I want food and I’m not getting any.” Contrary to human be liefs, he is not making it mean that we like Lacey better.

We humanize our dogs and imagine that they think as humans do. They don’t. They are only classically conditioned to paired stimuli. They connect two things together like the command “sit” with “get a treat” or “come here and get petted.” They pair the two activities without attaching any meaning. When they poop, they get put outside. Soon they are trained to choose their behaviors with the attached outcome. But they never reason “why.” This is why dogs always forgive so easily and love unconditionally. They are 100 per cent in the present moment. They don’t create any meanings to situations and never ask why. Wow. The lesson here is to act like your dog. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve had. Dogs are more excited to see you the longer you are gone and dogs never expect gifts.

How can you learn to be more like your dog instead of going through long equations? What if you just started accepting what “is” and saying “oh” more often? Chances are that the equations you make now are just unnecessary mind chatter. Be more like your dog and man’s best friend.