Ep. 10 Respecting Your Parents Even if They’re Difficult
Learning to not still be afraid of mom's opinion after 50, hmmm?
Are you dealing with a difficult parent in adulthood? If so, listen up! Today is a very important topic. Are you dealing with difficult parents? Do you have controlling parents in adulthood, which is different than controlling parents when you're young, and you live at home. How to deal with those stubborn aging parents? Aren't they just stubborn? What do you do about that? We've been taught to respect our parents, respect their parents, respect ALL parents. In every culture, people are taught to respect parents and elders. Well, what does that even mean? Do you respect them? What do you do if your parents hate you? Do you respect them? Let's talk today about how roles and job descriptions change and shift throughout the lifespan, and how if you're over 40 50 you have a different job than you had when you were a young child under their care.
Although the unconscious of mind is alive, well and doesn't know the difference of age, it will trigger you right back to when you were three. It will trigger you right back to when were ten, and/or sixteen being controlled by your parents.
I have had 40, 50, 60-year-old men and women in my office sitting on the couch sobbing, because of a memory of what their parents when they were five triggered them.
I had a client the other day that showed up to his elderly father's house with a ladder. My client is fifty. He was climbing the ladder and the dad came out and said, "Be careful. Be careful! No, don't do it that way! You've got to lean over." My client was thought, "are you kidding?" I have a male friend whose mom always says something along the lines of, "take care of my baby."
She calls her 60-year-old son, her "baby," "my baby." "I hope my baby doesn't get hurt." He was going out of town, and she says, "I hope my baby doesn't get hurt." We all looked at her and said, "your baby?"
"Yeah, he's my only child."
"Okay, he's your baby." He's sixty so what does this son do with that? He just says, "Huh, my mom's cute"? or does it devastate him? Does it make him feel less than, or feel younger? Like a little "baby" and you are sixty. These are all really common situations and if you have the things I'm mentioning, it's common and it doesn't feel good. It's discounting. It makes it hard to live in the present moment and be where you are in your age with your kids and your grandkids when you're called "sweetie pie" or "baby."
If this is a problem for you, let's fix it today. Now.
Your mind will change by the end of this podcast dramatically. Let's start with the fact that when you were little, you looked up to your parents. I do something in a workshop where I have people pair off and then I have one of them be the parent and one the child. I have the "child" kneel down and look up at the other as though she is the parent and look up to that woman who's five two. "My mommy's so big" and it's a huge A-ha moment. How big is your mom? Who's five feet tall? She's a giant! What if she or he's six feet tall. What if she raised her hand to you? What if she points her finger at you and you're just little looking up? It's really, really intimidating. In addition, your parents fed you, wiped your little bottom, told you what to wear, and did everything for you.
18 years is like nothing. Look back 18 years, Bam. Wasn't that just yesterday? You're only in their home for 18-ish years. Why is it that there's such an effect on you forever with the things and the meanings that you made?
It's all about the meanings and beliefs that you made.
I have other posts really explaining unconscious dynamics and inner child work. For today, we're going to do a behavioral exercise that, as I said, will shift the way you think in terms of roles.
Boundaries.
Before we get to that exercise, what is the balance between respecting your parents and setting boundaries? We're going to start there. In order to keep respect for your parent who's off base, we need to set boundaries with correct verbiage such as "mom" or "dad, I need you to," or "I need you to not talk about the divorce at Thanksgiving, or I'll leave."
For example, "this works for me." "This doesn't work for me." "It works for me when I come over and we get busy with what we're going to do. It doesn't work for me When you complain a lot, it really makes me feel bad." Or "I need you to not criticize me," or "Mom, I've decided if you're critical, I'm not coming over." I get that you can't do that or you would have done it already, previous to this post. How do you do that? It is so scary! I mean it with all the respect. It is scary. It's almost like something horrible is just going to happen. If you say that to your parent, even though it is a boundary and it's respectful, it still doesn't feel like it. I get it so much. I have three specific friends that are good friends that struggle with this and then `I have just many clients that struggle with this as well.
Keep those boundaries in mind. The verbiage included and hold onto them for just a minute. Let me help you out with how to say them. I want you to establish, right now, say it out loud, or you can write a sticky note and put it on your wall, 10 times. "I'm not my mom, I'm not my dad. They are not me. My mom is not me. My Dad is not me. I'm not my parents.
My responsibility is, me and my family and my business.
My parents are my responsibility in some ways in terms of taking care of them specifically, but I don't need to take in what they say." As I mentioned, the roles change as you age and as that occurs, a normal parent, adult child relationship is different than a child-parent relationship, but how do you change it?
Here's my exercise.
If you could imagine seeing me. I'm having both of my hands in front of me. Elbows out and spread fingers, fingertip to fingertip. My palm is parallel to the floor so my elbows are out, my fingers are touching and my palms are facing the floor. Now I'm going to take my right hand up about eye level, about forehead level, and my left hand down to about chest level. The bottom one is a child. The top one is the parent. The person on the top of the parent has all the responsibility of this relationship when the child is one. When the child is two, the parent(s) still has all the responsibility for this relationship. All of it. If my child is mean or rude or screams, I still as a parent have all the responsibility to be patient, I can't say, well, he's being rude, so I'm going to be rude back. No, no, no, no.
You have all the responsibility to be the adult now as the child ages, and I'm gonna raise my left hand up to neck height. Let's say he's ten or twelve. He has a little more responsibility in the relationship, but the parents still have what? ninety-seven, ninety-eight percent? My twelve year old's shouting, "mom, you're stupid, I hate you, blah, blah, blah?" The parents still have the responsibility to be the adult and are in charge of that relationship and understanding that, that child is going through developmental stages. As the child grows up, they come closer and the right-hand goes down, left hand comes up and let's say your kid's eighteen and they're being naughty or difficult. Well, you know what? You have a little bit of responsibility now sweetie, as a child. Your parent doesn't have all the responsibility anymore. They have most of it because the right hand is, it was about a foot higher than the left side; but, at eighteen, the kid's got some responsibility. Not full responsibility. Because they still don't know what they're doing.
Not that the parent does either! Let's just say they know more. The child's still acting out and the parent seeks coaching, counseling, spiritual help, books, tapes, songs, resources, groups to help them be a better parent of an 18-year-old.
The eighteen year old continues in life and up she comes with a little more wherewithal. A little more thought, a little more life experience, more education, and they continue upward. Now there are about four inches below the parent in the terms of responsibility. The child now has more responsibility. You, the child, are now twenty-six years old. You've been out of the house for a few years, you've got a job and you're getting married. Then guess what? You have all the shared responsibility. If we get in a funk, the child has responsibility for repairing the relationship or reaching out or calling mom to see how she is instead of always mommy or daddy calling. the parent responsibility to reciprocate as the child ages.
In my experience, because I have five children, four stepchildren and a lot of experience. (My kids range from twenty-six to forty-one.) I'm thinking around age thirty-ish to thirty-five, my fingertips are matching now. There is a reciprocal relationship. The kid has as much responsibility in this relationship as the parent. If you're in a funk, there's equal responsibility. Just like you and your ladies. You and your girlfriends. Who has responsibility for the relationship?
You both do, equally.
If it's not reciprocal, I don't want to be friends with that person if I'm always the one that has to reach out, repair, communicate. How about always the one asking her to go to lunch? It needs to be reciprocal, not only in a funk but also in good times. So, now the child has equal responsibility. You are the child. Your age, 50. You're level with your parent.
What now?
What happens when you become 40, 50, 60? Then the left-hand goes above the right hand. The right-hand goes down, the left hand comes up because you, the child, have more responsibility in the relationship than the parent. Because the child, you, are still going to school, or you're learning. You know technology, you're moving. Your parents are more stable, they're in their home, they haven't moved for forty years and they're not learning new resources. They're stuck in their ways. You as a child have much more responsibility in this relationship then they do. With that in mind, they say, you're my "baby", "don't get hurt." To which you just say, "Ha, you're cute mom, wink, wink! My mom cracks me up. It's so cute!" And it doesn't affect you because you have more responsibility. She's almost like a child. As the parent ages, and you become older and older, pretty soon your parents are elderly. They don't know much in the ways of how the world currently works; however, they do have wisdom.
But they don't know specifically if you should buy that car or not.
They don't know specifically if you should go back to school or not. They don't know those things. When they get older and older they only know that love, faith, their religion, (maybe they know that) parenting are important. They know basic principles. Yes, the elderly are wise and we feast at their feet. Just not in the details of life anymore, because life has changed. We do our work over the phone instead of in person. We are always texting. We have social media. We're flying across the country. "Why do you always fly across the country and leave me?" Then you look at your mom and say, "I'm sorry mom, that must be hard on you, I love you." You're the adult now. Doesn't that feel good? The roles change and when you understand you have more responsibility in the relationship, you can use the verbiage, "Mom, I need you to... What works for me to do is... What works not for me or what doesn't work for me..., I've decided...." You can say the verbiage of setting boundaries that are nice and they're firm. They're respectful and they're firm.
Your parents don't have power over you anymore. Take what works from your childhood. Breathe it in. Be grateful for the things that helped you bloom in your life. Be grateful for there's always a nugget of something you can take from a bad relationship with your parents. You can always take something of what you're going to change when you become a parent.
How to deal with parents? How you do it?
You recognize you have more responsibility in the relationship than they do. With that you can love them with all the love of creation and be grateful that they came first their stinky little ways, they're honoring us, and all of their controlling needs that they have. That's their stuff, not yours. You are not your parents. You are you. You're a beautiful person.
I hope this has helped you. I'd love comments below and let me know how this has helped you so we can help others. I hope that you have a really great day and are able to integrate what I've shared with you and make yourself a better day and live the best years of your life, in taking care of those beautiful elderly parents can be beautiful with all that occurs. Thank you. We'll talk soon.
