My Saddest Day
To my dear friends, family, clients and readers:
I have some of the saddest news I can think of… next to my husband or kids-family being hurt. (I am grateful that they are safe and healthy.)
For those of you that come to my office in Salt Lake, you know my dear little ball of fluff, my 5 year old Maltese, Beaumont. He was killed on Tuesday, Jan 2, 07, one of the most terrible days I have ever lived. Beau was part of my office décor and greeted every guest with a desire to sit on their lap and comfort them. I always said, “Beau, go to your bed…” and he immediately obeyed scooting under my desk. He had a tiny little bed I bought from the Build A Bear store.
The reason I am sharing this news with you is in a desperate attempt to reach out for information, resources or knowledge of the life after this one. I have my spiritual beliefs that are deeply imbedded in my heart yet for some reason I am not comforted. My mind tells me he is in a great place but my body and heart worry that he is scared because his only comfort was when he was with me, safe in my arms or at my side. The scriptures say little about the next life and I haven’t found much information about animals. I have Betty Edie’s book and a few others to try to find solace.
If you have any thing to share with me I would appreciate it. I can hardly breath…I’m in a fog…There are many of you, if not each of you that have experience similar loss and I would like to compile a booklet of your experiences and learning’s for others to use in time of need; death, divorce, etc there is so much pain to experience in life, yet… I testify of the great joy that is possible too. I just can’t remember that right now.
There are great NLP techniques to help clients work through loss and I have helped many people through this process. I just can’t seem to help my self. I need a therapist…Nadine; I will be calling you…
I called my friend who’s husband died three weeks ago. I can’t imagine that. I know many of you have experienced this; losing a spouse. I said, “Trish, how do you do it?” She said, “You just pretend.” My heart is with you Trish.
Beau was at my side 100% of the time when I was at my house and office. He was ALWAYS with me and I spend most of my life at my home and office. With him gone it is not right. I know I am not taking my own advice right now and had to apologize to my little girl. It would be good if I could be a better example for her but, ya know, I just can’t do it right now.
I held his dead darling body for 8 hours after he died, combing his hair and cherishing every minute. I cried for two days straight. Yes, he is just a dog and I keep reminding myself how thankful that I am that it wasn’t one of my kids or husband or direct family member. We need to cherish every minute with those we love.
The very hideous part of all this, is how he died…I can barely tell you…aou…well, you know my office and waiting room have quite a few doors all over the place. As Beau follows me every where, even to go in the house for lunch, potty etc; I always make room for him to come through the door with me. Lacey, the cocker is many times in the pack following me around…my husband bought a new car. He came in my office and said, “Come see the car.” I was excited and followed him out. We were looking at the car for a while when I looked up I saw that we had left the waiting room door wide open…I hate a cold office…I abruptly walked over to the darn door to slam it shut so we wouldn’t waste money on the heat bill and to keep the office warm. I didn’t know Beau was running next to me. He thought we were going through the door and I was just going up to it to slam it and return to the car outside…He was scooting by me and I slammed it on Beau. Oh my hell… can you believe it? Right on his head… he immediately went into a half-coma…we rushed him to the vet…his heart beat up until we got to the vet and then it stopped. The vet grabbed him ran to the back room and immediately started beating on his little chest, real hard as though he was hitting a horse. The vet shoved tubes down his throat and started blowing, doing CPR. He got a syringe and jabbed his heart full of adrenalin, He worked on him for 20 minutes as my husband held me…so, I freekin killed my own dog. I was his safe haven an in the end, isn’t it ironic…I didn’t protect him. Wow, I am really showing my human-weak, messed up- side…sorry…That night I got on my tread mill and sprinted mile after mile just sobbing. Exercise always makes me feel better.
I would love your help as to what is next…
I am grateful that I was actually the one who shut the door on him, rather than my husband or daughter. Then I would have to comfort them and help them not feel guilty. (#**^##^!!!!!)
I saw clients to day, for the first time and I think no one knew the wiser. It helps me to assist you in your need and gives me a break from my sadness…I am sooo thankful for each of you and what you have taught me. Collectively my group of clients, friends and readers could cure all the world problems. If you have any books to read, appropriate scriptures about death, or could send your love my way I will pass it on to all those that I know, that have pain… the world can become a better place.
Thanks so much for listening, it helps to express.
BEAU, I LOVE YOU… I LOVE YOU BEAU.
Very sincerely,
Darlene
January 5th 2007
It is the next day now. Last night was most interesting…Yesterday I was in my office all day. I am finally being desensitized being in there, seeing his little bed and water bowl. I can be in there and not freak out now…I can’t go in the waiting room for too long yet and going in the house is torture. I haven’t desensitized my self to the house yet. All day I was distracted. When the evening came….oh no….my mind started to play games and flash all sorts of pictures of him….all the sudden the pic of the traumatic moment started re playing over and over; maybe because I had just written all about it. It played over and over a thousand times and started to freak me out. Finally my husband came home and I said, “Distract me, quick…say something, anything….about work, what you did to day… help.” He started to distract me while we took a drive to the bank to make a night deposit. When we got home I knew I had to face the bedroom where we have a nice couch and TV set up. Beau ALWAYS sits next to me on this couch…ah…I walked in the room and my body started to jerk. I found that the jerking helped release the body memory of him next to me so I started purposely jerking and shaking my arms and moving my body abruptly…I couldn’t believe it, it worked. I was able to sit on the couch with out the feeling that I needed him next to me.
When I started to replay the trauma pic I did eye rainbows back and forth 50 times and patted my knee and hummed a non sensible song. It really worked. (Called Brain Gym)
It’s not that I am trying to hurry and heal, it is that the pain is seriously unbearable so I just need to get out of it. The pain is almost a fear of suffocating where my eyes get big and wide and I need to do something….
That’s my learning for now.
