Aren't defensive people difficult?

 Those defensive people with sayings such as, "I'm not yelling. What do you mean? I'm mean? I mean, I'm not rude. What do you, why do you keep telling me I'm judgmental. I don't know why you grimace at me with that judgmental face yourself. I'm not judgmental." How difficult is this? How do we take responsibility for our actions? How does a person say, "Yeah, I know, huh?" Well, the first step is ownership.

Face the Truth 

What do you own about yourself in any given situation? Do you own faults or do you not own them? If someone says to you, "you stink, you're stupid and you should brush your teeth," then you just don't go, "huh" or "no," or, "how about you stink? You just told me I stink and I just took a shower. I get that you think I stink. I just don't own that I've done anything to contribute to be stinky." Or, "you're right, I do stink. I do. I haven't taken a shower for like a month or three." And so, you own it. Ownership means accepting that which is true.

"You should brush your teeth."

"I just brushed my teeth, and in fact, I just went to the dentist and they took the plaque off!" Or, "I know, right. I haven't brushed my teeth for a while. Thank you for the feedback."

Only when you own something can you take responsibility for your actions. Defensive people are not owning it. When you're in a conversation with your grown kids and they're not owning anything, it's a no-way conversation. It's a no-battle. I call it impossible mode, with a colleague, with a spouse, with a friend, if there is no ownership. You know you have those people in your life where it's very difficult to know what to own, what not to own, and if they don't own what you're telling them. It's . . . difficult.

Own it 

So what do you do about this? When you have ownership, you say, "you're right. It's true." I remember when I was little, and I must have been kind of small because this is really silly! But I remember my mom was always on a diet. I remember the grapefruit diets. I remember my older sister couldn't touch ground beef because she'd get fat. There was some diet going on, all these weird diets when we were young that everybody was on. I wanted to sneak food. So I went to the refrigerator and I opened the drawer and I pulled out two pieces of Bologna and I stuffed them in my mouth to eat them really quick. All of a sudden my mom and my sister walked in and said," What are you doing?" I turned around.

"Mmmmm, nuh ah."

"Do you have something in your mouth?"

"Nopffe."

"You don't have anything your mouth?" And I remember them looking at each other smiling and they walked over, "Open your mouth."

I went, "blech," and sure enough, there were two partially chewed pieces Bologna in there and I had to own it. You need to own it when you get your hand caught in the cookie jar and then you just say, "yeah, you're right." I was trying to not own that which was very blatant.

Don’t Own It 

Another time, my son, when he was 14, (now he's a grown man with three children that are beautiful) at the time I didn't know he'd turned out at all because my 14-year-old son said to me, "Mom, if you were never born, my life would be no different." Now let's see. Being a bad mom is the worst thing that could happen to me, right?

Being a bad parent. I'd rather break my arm than be a bad mother. 

When he told me that, it was devastating. I remember being in school at the time learning about ownership.

I paused my mind and I remember walking up the stairs, going on the landing, walking up the next level of stairs, going across the bridge into my beautiful bedroom overlooking the city. I sat on the bed, looked out the window, and felt so depleted, worthless, and just devastated. I said to thought if I wasn't born with my son's life to be different? Then, of course, I went into, "Are you kidding me? I took him to scouts, I did this and that for him! Look what I did. I bought him his trucks and his, whatever you put on skateboards. I took him to the mall, to the Juicy shop, and all of these things. I don't own that. No."

At the time I didn't have the wherewithal that I have now to understand that when people say things rude to you, it's about their insecurities and feelings. I know that now. So if someone goes off, it's about them. I knew he had things going on for him, therefore, I didn't own it. Went downstairs with a smile on my face, went on about my day and loved my child and things worked out. When a person is defensive, it means they are a little guilty.

If You're a Little Guilty, Start to Work On It. 

"You're just always mean to me!"

"Well, I'm not always mean to you, but you know, sometimes maybe I am because I am dealing with. . . ." If you're a little guilty and you don't own it, then you'll be defensive. In other words, the next time someone's defensive or you feel defensive, stop and think, "yeah, that's a little close to the truth."

I would love your feedback, by the way on this, because I want to hear your ah Ha's on, "I went through my day after listening to doctor Darlene's podcast and I started to get defensive and I paused, which is the first step. I sat back a little bit and I realized, it's a little close to the truth, they don't totally own it, but it's a little close. I was kind of defensive. Then I decided to own it and take responsibility for my actions. Now I have power back when I own what I did. Now I get to do . . . . " Say I'm sorry. Make restitution. Don't do it again. Have a conversation. Whatever that leads into.

I’ll Be There for You, Or Not 

There was an episode of Friends where Rachel and Monica were so mad at Phoebe for being flaky. The entire show was how they were planning to tell Phoebe that she was flaky and they were so scared to do it. So funny. The whole show, they almost told her, they're going to tell her, they couldn't tell her, they were scared, then they went back. By the end of the show, they had planned and they had their Mojo about it. They walked up to Phoebe and they said, "Phoebe, we have something to tell you."

"Oh, oh, what is it?"

"We both think that . . . we both think that... .that you're flaky!"

And Phoebe goes, "Oh yeah. Uh Huh. I know. Yeah, I am flaky. In fact, I'm flaky all the time. Anyway. Do you guys want to go get Chinese?" Oh my gosh. I loved it. She owned it. She owned up to it. The best way in a conversation and someone's attacking you. Just say, I know I did. And make those changes.

One Last Thing 

My son, another son, came in the other day. He came in to talk to me and I thought he was just coming in to make conversation. I started telling him about my day and then he got a little weird. Finally, he just says, "Well, I've got to go. I wanted to talk anyway, but you're not listening," and walks out. I thought, "Huh, that's interesting. Why is he so rude? Why is he, he's got to get his life together." As I sat back, I decided, as I replayed it, that I owned that. I kinda took over the conversation. But that's because he's such a good listener. Now, there's a difference between making an excuse, because he's a good listener; or making a reason because he's a good listener. I texted him back, and not with an excuse but a reason, I said, "you're right, I did. I didn't listen to you. And I'm really sorry. You're such a good listener, which is a reason, not an excuse, and that fools me and I will really work on doing that better and listening to you in the future." It was very good for both of us as we went on with our relationship.

What do you own today? 

How are you defensive? 

How are you going to own what you've done to say you're sorry, let go of resentment, etc..

Owning is the first step. 

Well, pausing and then owning.

I'd love feedback about that. Thanks for listening today and Own. Your. Stuff. Talk soon.