Communication skills, what does that mean? “Well I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. THERE! We are communicating perfectly aren’t we?”

There are so many definitions of communication, but the definition I like best is--communication is a flow of understanding. I get you and you get me and we get each other. Basic communication skills require understanding the definition.  I will start by sharing two specific, basic skills with you to get you going. Of course, watch for my other podcasts where I expand and give specific useful tools and skills. When we are communicating we are attempting to deliver a message. We all operate with talking, moving, listening, understanding, showing, etc. through channels or better said we all process either visually, auditorily, through touch smell-olfactory or oral–taste.

There is always a sender and the receiver. Which one has more of the burden of understanding? The speaker or the listener? I asked my college class and there are a variety of answers. Well, the right answer is BOTH. The speaker can say things rudely loudly or aggressively or too soft.  She has the burden of saying it in the way that works. The listener has the burden of not making it mean something from the past, trigger or their past experiences, and to attempt to listen in the way the speaker means it. The burden is on both. The problem is the airspace between two people is like Jell-O. I say something to you and it goes through the gooey Jell-O and gets all lost and then SPLAT into your ear. My message is ALL MESSED UP! You didn’t understand at all what I meant. Now what?

It’s all about the meanings that someone understands. It’s not what you say is the meaning that’s understood. If I said you look so good today, you might say “Well what do you mean, didn’t I look good yesterday?" and be offended!!

Here are my two basic effective communication techniques. 

1. Do you care? Do they car?. Are you talking to someone who doesn’t care what you’re saying? Well, don’t do that. You can’t force someone to have a flow of understanding with you. And if you don’t care about listening or communicating or flowing the understanding then that might be a place to start. Start to care.

2. Self-monitor. That means take a step back, look at your body over there. Look at how you lean forward or lean back. Can you see your feet and your knees and your wrist and your chest and your head over there? Step out of yourself far enough to see how you were contributing to the flow of understanding. Are you noticing not only how you look or feel BUT about how THEY look? Calibrate how they behave in a way of receiving feedback. Is what you’re saying working or is what you’re saying not working so slow start to say it differently if it doesn’t work? Shift and change so that you get a yes from them or nod.

So as you begin to understand the definition of communication, as you care, as you self monitor, as you notice feedback from the listener you increased your flow of understanding. You get them and they get you. There’s so much more to come and it’s so enlightening to know that you have a lot of power and how you communicate and how you receive communication. 

If you want the episode show notes and a full transcript go to www.whatstopsyou.com

I would Love to hear your comments on todays topic!  How this information has helped you?

Talk soon Dar-lings!

One of the greatest mysteries in all of our lives.

If you want the episode show notes and a full transcript go to www.whatstopsyou.com

I would Love to hear your comments on todays topic!  How this information has helped you?

Talk soon Dar-lings!

Thanks for listening and If you enjoyed today's episode I would be grateful if you would leave me a quick review and rating on iTunes (click here) so I have feedback!  Also, subscribe if you haven't already so you can be alerted when a new episode comes out.  That would mean the world to me, thank you so much!

If you want the episode show notes and a full transcript go to www.whatstopsyou.com

I would Love to hear your comments on todays topic!  How this information has helped you?

Talk soon Dar-lings!

Thanks for listening and If you enjoyed today's episode I would be grateful if you would leave me a quick review and rating on iTunes (click here) so I have feedback!  Also, subscribe if you haven't already so you can be alerted when a new episode comes out.  That would mean the world to me, thank you so much!

If you want the episode show notes and a full transcript go to www.whatstopsyou.com

I would Love to hear your comments on todays topic!  How this information has helped you?

Talk soon Dar-lings!

For some reason, we all want to be heard.

Not only do I want you to hear the sound of my own voice, but I also want you to hear my heart and feel my heart. And when I talk and share, I want you to get me. To truly hear and understand my feelings, emotions, intents and care about me. We all want to be “gotten.” I get you, you get me and that makes me feel good. It makes our relationship better when we get each other.  

Do you wish you could be heard/understood? Most of us, if not all want to be understood. It seems to be a universal need we all have. Since I teach communications in college I have the benefit of reading the textbook over and over each semester. I love the way researchers dissect and categorize listening strategies and tools.  I would like to share with you what the research shows about listening styles and their effectiveness. Today's post is a little bit academic. I cover how we can listen more appropriately to understand others and enhance our relationships. 

I want you to get your pen out and really understand the types of listening. I'm going to go over listening quickly but in depth. I will cover what listening is, why listening is important, different types of listening and the benefits of listening.

​One of the most interesting things you'll learn that’s not intuitive, is that we actually talk and explain to discover how we feel. We're not talking to report. (Read that last sentence again. It’s the most powerful sentence in this blog.)

Typically when someone asks, ”How is your day?” you want to tell them. You may say a social “Oh I’m good” But face it, sometimes you really want to answer their question. You have a desire to tell them REALLY how you day is. And if you do, you're not usually just reporting about your day, you're really kind of introspecting about your day.

We're discovering how we feel by talking. That's why it's so important for you to give the gift of listening, to others. So they can DISCOVER HOW they feel. By talking it out, they are processing. Listening is a gift to the other one because it allows them to think process and make decisions.

When they listen to you, they're giving a gift to you. When you listen, backtrack and validate, you're offering them a gift for them to process right in front of you. Don't interrupt, just listen. You may ask questions for clarification but listening skills includes active listening, which is sounds or nods that shows you're starting to get what they're saying and helps them process.

What you want to do, is listen to calibrate each other, calibrate the talker and the listener. If what you're saying isn't going in, you might need to shift and change. They may not feel heard because you didn't look them in the eye. Some people need you to look them in the eye to feel heard. Calibrate the person you're talking to. Find out how he/she wants you to listen with your eyes, with your nods, with words, with actions.

According to the textbooks I use, there are four types of listening.

One is to discern,

Two is to analyze,

Three is to appreciate, and

Four is to support.

Discerning types of listening

If your listening style is to discern, you're listening to someone to discern right and wrong, good and bad, yes or no. You're discerning feelings, discerning whether it works or it doesn't work. What are you discerning? what's you're grabbing from what you're getting from the listening?

The second way of listening is to analyze

If your style is to analyze, you're just analyzing what it is that is being said. “Yes, it makes sense.” “That doesn't make sense.” “Okay, well what if he did this and…” You're listening. You're sorting and analyzing him. I always say we see what we sort for. For example, if I look across the room, I can sort for green and I'll see green. If I then sort of for red, I'll see red and I don't see the green so well. So when it comes to listening, those that discern or sorting to discern, the next step is starting to analyze.

The third way of listening is to appreciate

Some have an appreciation listening style. They listen just to appreciate. That's all you do when you listen is appreciate, you listen and you tip your head and you think, “I love you so much,” or “aren't you great,” or “isn't that wonderful.” It might be something you don't agree with. You just listen to your son and appreciate what he's wanting to say. The next one that's kind of similar but a little more general, is to support.

Supportive Listening

Then there is the supportive listening style. I'm here, I'm just here to support you. I got you. I might offer some helpful tips as well.

Let's move to other types of listening styles.

You will want to calibrate people you're talking to, notice how they listen, also notate how you listen. Action-oriented, time-oriented, people-oriented, or content-oriented. When you're doing these, which one are you doing? This overlaps with what we just learned about discerning, analyze, appreciate, and support.

Those are broader, now these are more specific

1. The first one is action oriented. I am listening to the action. Listening to create a moving picture of what you are saying.

2. The second one, time oriented. I've got 10 minutes, what do you want to say at that time?  I'm constantly looking at the clock.

3. The third one, people oriented. I am not sorting for the detail. In fact, I don't remember how many kids you have. I just know you love them. I know that there are a lot of people involved and I'm listening to how the people are wanting, needing and feeling.

4. Then finally, content orientation. I'm just listening to how many kids you had, I don't really listen to how you feel.  just want to know how many times this happened and what the address is, exactly. I remember your address, but I don't remember how you felt when you told me you lived in this house, back in Georgia of how you felt when you caught the big fish. I just want to know what kind of fish it was.

Which one are you? Action time, people or content? According to the text, It is reported that women typically sort for people and content and men sort for time and action.

I think typically, women sort for content so they can remember. If I don't remember your kid's names, it won't show I love you. I'm listening for people and content to support the people thing. With men, it's typically time and action. My brother in law used to say to my sister, "Is this the short version or the long version?" every time she wanted to tell him something. I think, he would sort for time and action. It was a mismatch in their communication styles and was hard on her. She knew she would just tell her girlfriends the long version.

Now this next part is awesome. Make sure you remember this.

I'm telling you, you cannot forget part of this, it's a crackup.

Incompetent listening 

These are things you do not want to do while listening.

Number one, selective listening

You're only listening for what you want to hear, raise your hand if you're guilty of that one. Just like I only heard you say you wanted to give me all your money. I didn't hear that you wanted this in return. That's selective listening, we only hear what we want.

The next one is pseudo listening

This is when you're pretending to listen. Ooh, some of you are guilty of that. You're looking at me, you're nodding, but you didn't hear a word I said. Pseudo-listening? Guilty, Every one of you watching football do this. If someone's trying to talk to you you are just half listening, right?. Pseudo Listening is the pretending thing. You get busted at some point when you do that.

The next one aggressive listening

It is all to attack. Oh, I did, Okay, so really? Yeah. Yeah. I need you to do that. Oh, that's how you do it then. Oh, that's what you're saying. Hmm. That's aggressive listening, waiting to attack. This last one, hopefully, you never forget this one.

Narcissistic listening

You are guilty of this, I'm sure you are, because I am, we all do it. Narcissistic listening is this: Friend one says, “Oh girlfriend. I broke my arm and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to be on drugs for so long.”

Friend two says, “Oh, I know. I broke my arm last year. Do you know what I did? I got addicted, you got to watch that Oxycontin. It was so weird because of the car…” And then they tell you the whole story. Maybe they say, “I just had to put my dog down,” then you reply, “I had to put my dog down to two months ago. It was the worst day of my life...?” Thy just hijacked the conversation and turned it to their story and their issue! Damn.

They go into their other stories. “I got an A, on my test. It was so hard. So many A's in high school.” “Every time I got an A, my mom gave me…”

They just keep stealing it away. With every topic you share, sure enough they TURN it to THEM!

Now that you know about it, you’re awareness will be heightened. This will help you notice when you are doing it and STOP it!. It's mean, it's rude, it's narcissistic. We should be smacked in the face with a nerf bat if we do it. Don't hijack the conversation, rather listen and care.

Now that you're aware of that,realize that it is still OK to talk about your issues that are similar as a conversation goes back and forth. Let’s say your friend is talking about their dog dying. After listening and caring about what they are saying, until they are done expressing themselves, validate them. Let them know you heard them. After they take a sigh, then it is OK to share your story. You may reach over and touch the back of their forearm and say, “you know, when my dog died, I just know…….... And you can tell your story. 

This may be difficult with girls that talk on top of each other. When there's a girl party or a couple of girls chatting, no one has a talking stick. Ha. Everyone seems to just talk at the same time and interrupt each other, but it's appropriate because that’s how most girls do it. They talk fast, change subjects rapidly, and usually all are OK. But sometimes it is necessary to have that talking stick when one person really needs to talk.

Active listening 

What is active listening? It’s when you're listening with your heart. You're not just listening with your ears, you're listening with your heart because you care. You're feeling and you're so into their story because you're not going to be narcissistic listener, that you forgot what you were going to say because you're listening to them actively. With A head tilt, with an eye glance, with leaning in, with breathing with them, with a smile, even with a frown, when it’s necessary. You're feeling them, you're in their space and you're listening with your heart. That's how we feel understood, that's how we feel heard, by listening.

Have Fun with this, this week. This is so great because you can become better and better at communication by listening. You will feel more expressed, and more heard by listening. Thanks for listening and we will talk soon.

Let's switch things around so that you can have the family that you've always wanted

I know when I was young, I dreamed about what it would be like to have a family, with the white picket fence, and they grow up to be wonderful children. Did that happen?

You're right in the midst of it. Now, if I were you, I'd want to know about someone like me and why I can help you. Couple things to know about my history, my academic journey in adolescent development. I've worked in secure facilities. I know what actual naughty teens are. In addition, I have five children and their ages range from twenty-six to forty-one. When I was raising my children, I had four step-kids as well. When you add five and four, what do you get? Oh, a number that's unconscionable! It's nine! Nine kids. We had a five-year-old and eight teenagers.

My kids are all grown now. All of them have children except two, and all but two are married. They have produced wonderful little teeny humans that you could eat and they're yummy! There are thirteen of them running around. I had nine here at Christmas. I'm not sure you have much that you've gone through that I haven't gone through myself with my kids or certainly seen with my clients or with the troubled youth work that I've done. So let's get going.

I've got copious notes here to share the basics of what you need to know before we really get to work.

If you don't understand these basics, you can't really get to work

Let me tell you what I hear all the time from parents. “Why is my teenager so angry? Why is my teenage daughter defiant? My child sleeps all day. My child plays internet games all day. They're addicted to their internet.” I hear that all day. I get it, it's awful. As a parent, feeling like a failure is the worst thing that can happen. I'd rather break my leg than be left feeling like a bad parent.  

Here are three things I am going to teach you to get through this:

1.  What is authority: Understanding parenting

When your kids don't want to hang out with authority. We'll talk about how much authority you have when they're one, three, five, sixteen, eighteen, twenty and thirty-five. Is your authority the same or does it change?

2.  We're going to talk about normal versus abnormal behavior

What's normal, what's abnormal?

3.  What's high-risk behavior and what's low-risk behavior

They're not the same and most of you are not clear of the distinction. I'm crystal clear of the distinction.

By the end of this, you will be able to diagnose whether your kid is normal, abnormal, high risk or low risk. Then I'll give you some ideas of what you're going to do about it.

Understanding Parenting 

Let me tell you my favorite metaphor. You are making bread. You add flour, yeast, salt, and water, kneed it, roll it, and you do your thing then put it in the oven. What do you do then? Well, after the bread is in the oven for five minutes, usually the average person, the average person would go look at it and maybe open the door and after ten minutes you opened the door and go, “Oh my gosh, it's not working very well.”

“My bread is all lumpy on this side, and it's sunk in on that side. I don't think my bread is going to turn out very well.” Pretty soon you look again. “Oh, it's all puffy. It's good. Get . . . , oh wait, can you shut the oven?” Then you look again and the bread has sunk in the middle. You know what? When you take this bread out doesn't look very good. Do you know what to do with bread? You do the same things with bread that you do with children. You get out of their way.

A parent's job is to give their children only two things.  Give them roots and give them wings

Roots are stability. 

It might be spirituality, the security of love, a home, food is there. Roots to grow, a place to cry and laugh when you come home. A room to have where you can express yourself with posters, friends to call.

Wings mean learning to fly

Do you want your child to grow up to be a robot, or do you want it to know how to fly? To me, flying means the child has the ability to think on their own. When they leave the nest, they can think on their own and make decisions. Instead of, “Mom, what should I do? Some parents like that, we'll talk about that too, about how to not be so connected to your kids in a really super great way, but for today, understand that your parenting is going to shift and change as they grow. Those kids I'm going to tell you right now, if when my kids were all born within year three, if I died and left and never came back, my kids would still grow up, and I'm going to say as cool as I am, as great of a parent as I am, I think they'd be similar to what they are now.

Not completely, but they would still have that innate drive and thing that they do. Are they a singer-songwriter, or are they kind of a hippie, permaculture gardening person? I have both. I have five kids that are opposite from each other. How do you get opposites with five? They have two things in common. They have roots. They know I'm here. Their dad has passed away, and that gives me a lot of responsibility. I feel like I overcompensate. I get it, my kids have roots, but they also have wings. This is emotional because it's important. I have five kids that think for themselves. In my last sentence when I hang up the phone almost every time is, “You'll figure it out.” Cause they do.

What is Normal Teenage Behavior? 

Let's talk about what's normal versus abnormal behavior. Is your kid normal?

This is normal 

Lazy, sleeps all day if they can get away with it, play games as much as possible on their computer, doesn't take responsibility for their actions, not at all helpful around the house. Wants to be with friends more than family. They don't reason well and debate with their parents. They're defiant and usually angry. Hey, sorry this is just reporting, don't shoot the messenger, but that's a normal teenager. So far, is your kid normal? Let's talk about what abnormal is.

This is not normal

Helpful, team player wants to go to school and get themselves up, wants to go to church, consistently helps around the house, cleans up after themselves, says, mom, how can I help you? Mom, Dad, thank you for what you do for me. Is your kid abnormal? What we're going to do with the skills and tools here, is we're going to help you have the most abnormal, cool, awesome child ever. Kind of interesting.

Out of Control Teenagers: High Risk Behaviors 

Let's talk about low risk

Low risk means they do it once or twice, maybe. There's not a pattern. They just smoked once. I know it's awful, but you know what? That's still low risk. Meaning you just watch. With low risk, you watch. Being rude to authority is low risk. I know the principal calls you, if he just does it once, hang out. Disobedient, mildly, mildly defiant, running away once or twice, hanging around the wrong crowd for a while. That's normal and it's low risk.

Lying and deceiving on small things on occasion, that's low risk and kind of normal, but you want to watch it. Low self-esteem, got to watch it, but it's still low risk. Anger kind of, stealing once, outbursts, blame, toying with the idea of drugs, trying them once, pushing the envelope with mild sexual behaviors, talking about it, talking rude, masturbation, not wanting to be with family, saying that mom and dad never did anything for them. Based on your upbringing, there's a huge variable, you have your beliefs about what's right or wrong according to religion and how you were raised. I'm telling you, in America, this is across the country, this is still low risk.

No matter what your religious beliefs that would be a variable and how you were raised is a definite variable. If you are strict, you might think, I can't let my kid do that, I never did it. You might overcompensate the other way, where your parents were permissive, so you grab on harder. 

What to do with an out of control teenager

 There's a difference between use, versus abuse, versus addiction. That's the distinction between low and high risk. Also with different naughtiness, there is a stage, a phase, and a pattern. Patterns usually don't show up until after they're eighteen, or out of the house. I know this is a lot of information really fast. High-risk behavior.

This is where you want to grab your kid

It requires immediate forced action. Severe eating disorders, inpatient. The eating disorders as defined. You might want to get a really sure diagnosis on that. Drug abuse or drug dealing. No, I didn't say use once, I said abuse. Real bad abuse and addiction activities. That includes anything illegal, immoral or unethical that has turned from a phase into a pattern. When it's way more than a one-time episode, statutory rape, those kinds of things. That's high risk. With high risk you grab them, and you take them home, or you lock them in their room.

Take A deep Breath 

Lots to think about here. Where's the diagnosis of your child? Right now we're just diagnosing. Take a breath and remember to keep breathing. We're almost done.

Parenting 

Let's now diagnose a normal parent and an abnormal parent. A normal parent is codependent, hovering, controlling. A showbiz parent where your successes equal my successes. You need to be successful, so I look good, very common. Not Trusting your teenager, not at all. Parents that think they're all that and they're all so smart and they know everything. Parents have low self-esteem. This is a normal parent.

Normal parenting is just this overreaction, over parenting, over concern, the not letting the bread rise, there's no trust and faith in the process. Abnormal parent, high self-esteem, realizing that they're not their children. “I am not my child.” I remember learning that. I'll tell you another day. 

An abnormal parent knows their kids have their own minds, their own personality, and they understand their kids can barely be shaped but only a little bit shaped. A really great parent understands the journey of life, and God's plan. That's what an abnormal parent is.

What is your Endgame? 

What's our goal with these teen issues, these troubled teens, these defiant humans that live in our house, just right down the hall. What do we do? The first question to answer at this point, do you want your child to be a robot, and just mind you, and do what you say, and do everything right, and grow up just like you thought. Or do you want your child to have wings? You need to get a life, and I say that with all due respect. As you watched the bread grow, trust me, we have a lot more to talk about at another time.

Boundaries

How to say the boundaries, the verbiage. How to say things and how not to say things. Parenting styles. There are many. The three main ones and many more. We need to talk about identity development. We need to talk about family structure and order. We need to talk about presupposing language, rapport.

Our goal is to help you have abnormal children. 

Love, oh love. What is love? How do you show love?

That feeling when I care how you feel is love. 

How I feel is love. Let's see now, how do you do it? We have heard about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Thank you, Thank you, Gary! My boyfriend and I had a conversation last night about what our love languages we “speak.” We compared them, We trusted them. We decided we have almost the same ones. Yay!

But what do you do if they're different? 

You can read Gary’s books to learn all about that. If he doesn’t talk to you in your words of affirmation, then you have to read his language when he smiles at you to know he loves you. Gary Chapman has lots of answers in his book. In fact, I am making it required reading. The five languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

I'm going to go beyond that. 

I think there are other ways that people feel loved when they feel heard.

How to show love 

I have three kids that if I don't listen to them and feel it like I'm connecting with them, then they're just not telling me what they really need to get off their chest. I could do acts of service, give words of affirmation all I wanted, spend quality time, and I could rub their backs, but if they don't feel heard, they don't feel loved. So there are other ways.

Love Basket 

Love languages are one thing, but today I'm going to add onto this and call something a love basket. You have a basket or you can think of it, a bank account or as John Gottman calls it the love tank. Filling up your basket of love for your own self and for each other is the goal! That's really what I want to focus on today. We can show love in love languages and we want to make sure we feel those tanks up all the time however, you “speak” your love languages!

What I want you to do today is really sit and work with your partner and ask, “Is your love tank, (or your love basket) empty or is there a ton in there?”

Fill It Up! 

Every time you put something in the basket, it fills it up higher and higher and higher. Let's say, you put rosebuds in there, you clip off the whole rose. It's a little bud you stick it in there and you put more and more in. The more you do in the area of love that is best for them, the higher it gets, and the higher it gets.

Everyone is going to respond to any of these. All of them are for everybody. Gottman explains which are best.

I'm saying do all of them today and fill up the love basket. If your reservoir is low, then you're probably not going to stay together. Assess how full your basket is. It's so fun to fill up baskets.

No matter what your love language is: 

Nobody who's going to say they don't appreciate when you stopped by seven eleven and bought them a candy bar, or a Gatorade, or an organic apple.

Nobody's going to say, “I don't really care if you help me in the kitchen, I want you to just stare at me, and let me do it by myself.” (My acts of service are not one of my strong love languages.)  

Nobody’s going pass on a celebratory high five for a job well done! 

Nobody’s truly going to forgo spending time with friends or family when it pizza/game/movie night. 

Nobody’s going to not smile back at you sharing a smile filling up your face with an expression of love. 

Nobody’s going to complain about a love note written on a sticky note left on their mirror today, that says, “thank you for being you.” 

I want that one on my window or my mirror, my rear view mirror and that'd be cute. You get in your car and there's a sticky note there.

Have you done something for your children today? 

Sticky notes are my favorite. I have a hundred podcasts to do on how I use sticky notes with every affirmation. I love them. Loving someone is a really good utilization of a sticky note. Spread those around.

Love texts

How many love texts can you send today? Whatever your love languages, there's no one that's not going to love a text from you saying,

I appreciate you. 

You're the best! 

Thinking of you.

I just thought of you and it made me smile. 

You are the BEST part of my day. 

Receive Love 

The more you give, the more you get.

Your basket gets filled even more when you give.

It's the coolest mathematical equation. When you give, you get. When you love snow, you feel better. When you love the sun and you're grateful, you get that you are more. You get love and they receive love. And vise versa!

As a couple, how full is your love basket together? Keep it full all the time. Never let it get low. How many love notes can you send today? How many sticky notes will you stick around on this day for those that you love? Have a wonderful loving day and a loving week.

I love you. 

Should I even try to work on my relationship?

You might say, “My partner and I have so much in common. Why can't we just get along? I'm so confused. Help me!”

Here is a Story 

Once upon a time there was a little bunny and the little bunny was so cute, she would frolic and play in the midst.

She was in the meadow, she would eat clovers and she loved carrots. She was enjoying her life so much with her little friends. One fine morning she heard a banging sound. She looked up, and across the meadow, she saw the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen in her entire life. She stood back and in a little bunny way, she gasped. What she saw was like a God, the most beautiful, large, white horse galloping across the meadow. It took her breath away. She just stood there and froze. Her little birdie friends came up to her and said, " Bunny, what's the matter? How are you doing?" She couldn't talk, She said, "oh, nothing. I'm fine." The next morning she came outside and stretched and she looked across the meadow hoping to see the same scene. Sure enough, the most beautiful thing yet again galloped across the meadow.

The Meet Cute 

All of a sudden that beautiful creature she was looking at got larger, it was getting closer and closer. Pretty soon she just couldn't breathe. The horse came all the way up to within her vicinity, like ten feet away. Now, she really couldn't breathe, she just stared at him. He was stomping his foot, eating the clovers, and she still couldn't move. Finally, he looked up at her. She's like,

"Oh, my gosh, he's looking at me, he's looking at me."

The horse walks over to her, he says,

"Hey, little bunny, what are you doing?

She says " I'm just sitting here."

She thinks to herself, "Dear God I'm acting so stupid." So she says, "Well, I'm just here. I'm just eating clovers, hanging out. What are you doing?"

He said, "Oh, I'm just hanging out eating clovers. I saw you sitting there, you actually look kind of cute sitting there."

She's like, “I do look cute! You're kidding me.” She thought, “Why did I say I'm kidding me out loud?” She just couldn't believe that he was looking right at her.

He'd run by and come over and talk to her, and every day she couldn't wait. She groomed her little ears and she cleaned herself off. They started talking more and more. They found out how many common things they had together. She'd come home and tell her little bunny friends,

The Easy Infatuation  

"You guys, he likes carrots as I do. We both like carrots, who likes carrots? Do you know what I mean? It's just so weird. The birds don't like carrots. Bunnies like carrots. Can you believe this beautiful creature likes carrots, like carrot soup? I took him some the other day and he ate it all up. Then you know what he did, he took his nose and he rubbed his nose on me, he gave me Eskimo kisses. Guess what else you guys, we both have fuzzy, soft noses. Are you kidding me? His is big and mine is little, but they are both the best soft noses. Lizards don't have soft noses, nobody else in the forest has soft noses like us. We have so much in common. We even have the same long and tall ears! I couldn't believe it. We both like clover. We both like to jump. The similarities that we have are amazing."

As time goes on, you can imagine what happens. He takes her for a ride, she jumps on his back, she sits in his ears and holds on tight and they gallop across the meadow together. One day he shows up with a big bouquet of flowers in his mouth. He drops them down and she looks at him. All of a sudden, what!? He drops one of his legs back and drops down on one knee.

She looks up at him and he said,

"Little bunny, you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. You make me feel like me. You make me feel happy. I want to live the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

True Love 

The wedding was beautiful. All the little birds had strung up all these little things in the forest and all the little flowers. They made wreaths and lays and it was the most beautiful wedding ever seen. The owls were there, all the squirrels. It's the wedding night. Now besides that thing, we won't talk about. They decided they're so excited to snuggle together. So they went into their little home, which was kind of a little nest thing at the side of the hill, a little overhang. It was so cute and she was excited to decorate it.

She says,

"Are you going to lay down next to me so we can snuggle?"

Reality 

He's like, "what do you mean snuggle? We snuggle all the time when you're on my head and I'm running around with you in my ears."

"It's our wedding night, and I was hoping that we could snuggle laying down."

"What are you talking about? Horses don't lay down."

"Can you just like lay down tonight?"

He's like, okay, I see that this must be so unreasonable. So he walks over to her and says, "okay, look, you have to move over because I'm going to lay down now." She runs clear across the way so he can lay down. He leans, he puts his butt out to the side, and then he drops his butt, and he can't quite do it. “I'm laying down.” His butt is down and his legs are still straight and he says, "Okay, now I need to bend my leg on the left so I can lay down."

Finally, he's laying down. He loves me, he just is so wonderful, he cares about me. She runs and she snuggled in his neck and they rub their noses together and plan their future. It was a wonderful night. They kissed and hugged and rubbed their noses together all night long. The next morning he wakes up and he says,

“All right, move."

"What do you mean we are snuggling?"

"I have to go, I have to do my mountain thing today. I have to do my horse thing."

"Okay."

She backs up a little bit and he said,

"Move farther away."

Then he had to reverse the whole process, just to stand up. He finally gets on his feet, shakes it off. "Oh, I'll be back later."

He takes off running and there she sits. “Well, he didn't say goodbye to me.” As time goes on, you can see there are differences. Numerous differences mingled with so many things in common. The question, should they have ever gotten married?

Is It Already Over For These Lovers? 

When I ask this to my college classes. I get about a third of the class saying they should never have done that and the rest is yes, they should, they just need marriage counseling. What do you think? In any marriage, there are differences. In any relationship! We look for similarities as were dating. What are our cultural similarities, religious similarities and or differences, money, thoughts, and ways? What's the age difference? How tall or short are we? What's our size? What species are we? Just kidding. What is it that we have? How are we on the same page, and how are we on the opposite page? The ways that we can learn to work on a relationship is, first of all, accepting differences. That's number one. I've got four steps here.

How To Work on Your Relationship 

Step One: Accepting Differences 

Your differences can be many and your similarities many. Let me tell you, it's not just about what you have in common. I had a couple who had nothing apparent in common yet, when she'd go hike, he would call her at the summit. He would help her stash water for her long distance runs. She would support him in playing football, basketball, or whatever his sports were, and bring in popcorn and beer. She accepted his differences. That's number one. Probably the biggest thing. Number two, care. Do you care? If the bunny really cares about the horse, and the horse really cares about the bunny, they're going to stop mind reading. He needs to get up and out and about. He doesn't like to snuggle in the morning. He doesn't like to lay down because the hassle. The next night, of course, when the story continues, he comes home from his doing his horse thing and she's ready to go to bed and she'll say, "Well, aren't we going to snuggle?” He goes, “I ain't doing that again!”

Isn't that what happens in a relationship? “Wait, you think every morning I was going to go to work. I went to work for a week. I'm not working anymore.” “You thought that I was going to make your food. That was just when we're dating, I'm not making your food.” Do you care? If you care, you might still make a breakfast or you might still send a little note when he’s out doing his man/horse thing. Do you care?

Step Two: Care and Communication

How big is the word communication? As many stars in the sky is how many times I could talk about/teach about/PREACH ABOUT communication. Trust me, I'll be pouring them out. What I have right now, just basically to tell you today about communication is to focus on the good. Focus on your love language.

I love The Five Love Languages book! Gary Chapman is the best! I strongly suggest you give it a read. The importance of quality time in a relationship is something else to work on.  Recognize that when you're together your phones are in the garage, and if you do that one thing, you put your phones in the garage, when you have quality time, you will not believe how much better a horse and a bunny can get along. Look for qualities of a good relationship you've seen, and model them. Don't expect your partner to do it, you do it.

You don't have any ability to change them, but you have the ability to change you. You pull in the qualities of a good relationship. Are you begging for attention in a relationship? Well, stop it. Get  your own life and be a cool person. Be the cool girl, be the cool guy. Be the person that they are going to want to be with. Be the cool person that you want to hang out with all the time! That's how not to be needy, you get cooler.

Number one is differences, two care, and communication.

Step Three: Get Your Poops in a Group 

Get your turds in a hurd!  In other words, get your shit together.  Getting your life together so that you're not putting your mucky-muck on them. Now, if the Horse is normally a horse and the bunnies normally bunny, that's not crap. That's just who I am. But if the bunny has to go dig a hole and put little weird things in it, that takes time away from them being together.

This Is The Secret How To Not Be Needy! 

Not getting your stuff all over the other person is so important. Financial, weight, addictions, …. Get your crap together. All the way together. That's how you're going to absolutely enhance how to make a relationship work, focusing on yourself. Understand that communication is just one thing and one way to make your relationship work or getting your act together is different.

Step Four: Core Intent 

Number four is core intent. Getting that together. A core intent is a reason I operate. I operate my whole life out of love or I operate my whole life at a core level out of resentment fear or happiness.I operate my entire life out of service. My whole life is operated by how I can get away from pain. I operate my life with how I can make relationships or how I can hide.

If a horse and a bunny have the same core intent that is positive, they can get along. Our core is to create and to make the forest more beautiful. Our core is to have friends, more friends in the forest. Our intent is to serve those in the forest. Our intent is to plant and to grow things. What's your intent? Are you operating out of fear? Are you operating at getting away from pain? How that shows up after your intent is not going to go together with the other person even if they're the same species?

What's your core intent 

Find out yours. Have a chat with your partners. Say, “I just listened to this really cool podcast and I'm wondering what are our cores? What's your core? What do you think it is?”

Let me tell you how to find your core intent. 

When you're brushing your teeth or you’re in the shower and you're in this mindless state, you're not thinking of anything. You'll be kind of asking a core question like, “How can I succeed? How can I be good enough? How can I get away from that? How can I survive? How can I love?” That's how you seek out your core. When you've discovered your core and you know his/her core, you can shift and change. If your SO’s is a negative and yours is positive, you can do what you can to accept and honor and compliment your partner. “I love how little your nose is, little bunny. I love how you've got those cute little jumping bunny legs in the back. They're as long as my horse legs. They like to tap and the thumping!?” I love how you this or that. That can shift each other's core intent at a deep level.

Can you live without her?  

That's how you know whether you want to marry a horse and a bunny together. Do you want to, or can you live without him? What do you need to live with her? Follow these steps when you care and communicate, when you get your crap together, and accept differences, and understand your intent. Then you can begin to enjoy each other, just the way they are.

​Then you know what happens? You then live happily ever after.

​Thanks for listening. We'll be in touch and talk soon!

Do you have to fight for what you want?

Do you need to explain it over and over, and then lie a little, or maybe scoot around the truth just a little, or just be bold to get what you want? Do you feel like you listen and then you talk, but you're not sure how to put that all together, because they don't listen and talk? Does this match your relationship? Let's fix that.

I am sure you have heard these terms we in this industry use: paraphrasing, reflective listening, backtracking. All of those are similar. We're going to talk about these and I'll explain what they are, and how to use them in a really interesting way. It's actually, very simple. The saying is, "there's nothing easier than that which you understand." Let's talk about how to listen, and let's talk about how to talk.

The Need of Communication 

Today we're actually going to talk about how to do both at the same time. Then you've got a person over there that's not obeying the rules or maybe he/she is, according to his/herself. As you share what you do, it will encourage others to change what they do. Let me start out with a couple of stories of how to fight for what you want and how to get in a fight when you do it.

This couple moves into this really cool house They're so excited about it. They've got dreams and plans and they've got special light switches and the lights. They've got the bedding and she's buying the towels and it's just great. They've talked about the yard a little bit. Spring is just beginning; so, now they really need to talk about the yard. Well, she comes home and says,

Fight example one 

“Honey, guess what?”

“What honey?”

“I'm so excited, I went to Home Depot and I found the cinder-blocks on sale!”

“What cinder-blocks are you talking about?”

“You know for the fence.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, for the fence we're going to put up. I was figuring, if we get this many on sale, I think we can get two to five truckloads so that we can build it. I think if we go ten to twelve feet high, maybe even fifteen feet high with a wall, it'd be perfect. We can spend less money than we were talking about in the last house we owned for our fence.”

“Okay, first of all, what the hell is a cinder-block? Second of all, what are you talking about honey?”

“What do you mean, what am I talking about? We wanted to build a wall!”

“Uh, you wanted to build a wall?”

“Yes, I love our kids, and we got a new dog, and I just think that if fifteen feet or twelve feet, okay, fine, maybe twelve….”

“Are you freaking kidding me? What are you talking about? You know what, I have to go to work. When you get rational, and you figure out what the heck you're saying. We aren't going to be getting a cinder-block wall. Besides, that's really cheesy. It will look really stupid.”

“You don't even care about me, I'm scared that the kids might get hurt.”

“Oh, the kids are going to get hurt because you don't have some freaking cinder-block thing going on?”

“Honey, I just want to take care of the children.”

“I'm going to work. Listen, I get so sick of your drama. I got to go.”

“He never listens to me.”

Let’s follow the Rules 

How about if we do this again with the rules? I'm going to show you that, sounds good. Start over.

“Hey honey, how's it going?”

“Oh, fine sweetie.”

“Hey, I went to the store and I found some..., I found the best sale ever!”

“What kind of sale did you find?”

“I found cinder-blocks and they are on sale.”

“Okay, tell me more honey. Dr. Darlene told me that when we have a conversation then one person's talking and one's listening, and paraphrasing, and backtracking, and reflective listening you. So, that's what I'm going to do.”

“Oh, sweetheart, that means so much to me that you would actually care to listen, I just really am so excited.”

“Okay, so what you're saying is we can get a better deal for the yard now to get cinder-blocks and make a twelve to a fifteen-foot wall right between our neighborhoods? Is that what you're saying, sweetie?”

“Yes! I'm so excited it's going to really make our family safe and I'm going to feel cozy. You know what? I won't be scared anymore because when I was little it was kind of scary.”

“So when you were little, you had some fear. What happened when you were little?”

“Well, it was awful because we lived by these tracks and this 7-11 type store. There were always people coming and going. We got robbed three times a year. It was really scary. I just want to be safe.”

“You want to be safe in our home, is that what you're saying?”

“Yes, that's what I'm saying, sweetheart. Thank you for listening.”

“What you're saying, is the only way you can think of to be safe, is to have the cinder-block wall.”

“Well, yeah, it's all I can think, I really care about my kids and you and the dog.”

“So what I'm hearing you say baby, and by the way, I just love Dr. Darlene's advice ( 😉) because I'm really forgetting me right now and putting my feelings aside, and listening to you honey.”

“I just love it when you do that. Thank you so much.”

“I'm hearing you say that what you really, really, really, really want is to be safe. Is that right babe?”

“That is right.”

Now, this couple has gone through this situation where she has been heard, he has listened, he has not talked about himself for just a minute. He's only listening, even if it seems unreasonable. Now she feels heard. What we did is to find out what she really wanted, which was to feel safe.

“Honey, can I have a turn sharing my feelings?”

“Yes, that'd be a great sweetheart. Just like Dr. Darlene said, we take turns now I feel heard, now I'd like to hear what your thoughts are, even though I really want it my way. What are you thinking?”

“Well Babe, let me just tell you that I was raised in Chicago and the entire neighborhood had no fences, none. It was like a park, we'd go outside and we felt like we were in this huge giant park. We played baseball.”

“Oh, still that's something that you like from your childhood?”

“That's right. I love that open feeling.”

“So you're saying that you love the open feeling like a park because parks are important to you?”

“Well, it's not just the park thing, it's more about being able to just stretch out. I'm really tall and big and I just want to stretch out and run, I want to be able to throw the ball long ways for the dog. I don't want to have to throw it two feet because our yard is kind of small. I just really like the openness.”

“You're saying that you like it open, that makes you feel free.”

“Yes, it makes me feel free.”

“What you're saying is that you really want to have an open feeling, to have the freedom that reminds you of your childhood?”

“Yes, that's exactly right. I've thought about it that way, but you're exactly right. Thanks, honey.”

Dr. Darlene here saying. Yes, boom, bam!

What They Really, Really Want 

We listened and we talked! If you're going to do this, it takes a minute. You don't get to do this model when people are running in the door and running out, it takes a minute to really put yourself aside and listen. Really listen to what they're really saying. At first, all he could hear was cinder-block and all she heard was, you don't care about our family. But as we went deeper, she really wants is safety and he wants freedom. Now and only now can they begin to solve their problem correctly. How do they do it? Well, you get a silver platter and you set it down in your throw ideas on there that help you get safe and free at the same time. That's right. I think it's kind of cool.

“It's kind of interesting that we actually know that underneath it all, those are the things that are important to us. So what should we do babe? How about a chain link fence?”

“Okay, let's write that down. How about a five-foot cinder-block wall?”

“How about rose bushes? Let's just write it down. Let's not say yes or no.”

“We're writing down five ideas. I heard also as well that you want to have a classy good looking thing.”

“What about a rod iron fence that's twenty feet tall, and you can see through it. How about a six-foot-wide rod iron, pretty looking thing with rose bushes at the bottom.?”

As they look over the list, they come up with a decision. Isn't that just so cool? So here's another story,

The Need for Understanding 

“Hey, oh my gosh. I figured it out, what will fix my life. You know, I've been really depressed and really ornery lately.”

“Yes, I know how you have been really depressed and ornery lately.”

“I know it was explained I know what it is. Are you ready?”

“I have to turn on football, just a second I'll be back.”

“I want to tell you, I'm so excited about what I want and I know it's going to fix my life.”

“Okay, hold on. It's almost half time.”

“Is it over yet?”

“What do you want? Seriously, what do you want?”

“Well, I'm thinking that I've been kind of lonely lately.”

“Seriously, are you done yet? Is the long version or the short version.”

“This is the short version. You just give me a minute. It's really a couple of sentences. I'm thinking if I got a little dog, it would fix my life, it would help me be so fulfilled.”

“Oh my hell. You're not getting a dog. We've talked about it. I hate dogs. Anyway, I have to watch the rest of the game. We'll talk later tonight.”

“You never listen to me, you know what a dog would help me so much. It would just be so good. Then I think she goes into her room and she packed her stuff and she left him forever.”

This can go in two directions. A man can come to the home and say, “I want a Harley,” and the girl goes, “are you kidding me? We have to feed the children!” Understand that these fights can go two directions to finish my dog analogy. We realize this could go either way. We're redoing the dog story.

Finding a Solution Together 

“Honey. I know it's going to fix my life. I'm so excited. A dog.”

“Okay, I got a few minutes. Let's just sit and talk about it. You know I hate dogs, but I'm going to do what Dr. Darlene said I'm and put my feelings aside and I'll listen to you. Tell me about what you're wanting a dog for honey.”

“If I had a dog, it would fix my life, all the kids are out of the house. I just kind of want a white one, maybe a Maltese Poodle. I would put a bow in its hair, and pamper it.”

“What you're saying is you want to pamper something?”

“Kind of, like hold it up to my breast and I would love to hold the dog.”

“Okay, so you want to nurture something?”

“Yes. Yes, that's right. I want to nurture something.”

“Well, don't you have grandkids?”

“I do, but the dog loves me no matter what. Do you know?”

“So you're wanting a dog to nurture, something that loves you no matter what. Is that right, baby?”

“That's right. Sweetheart. How do you feel, sweetheart? Thanks for listening.”

“Well, I hate dogs and you know, I've hated dogs since when we were dating. And now 30 years later we're talking about it again, which is better than one year later.”

“Do you hate all dogs?”

“Well, I don't know. I hate big dogs.”

“So you don't hate little dogs?”

“I don't know. The sound of them, the smell of them, just triggers me.”

“Tell me more, it seems like you have like a lot of feelings about that, about hating dogs. Where did it come from?”

“It's interesting that you ask, it's really helping me think this through. I actually now just recall that I think I am most triggered by black dogs. My little sister was mauled by a dog when she was three. It was the worst thing, she came home and screaming. It was awful.”

“Oh, baby, that sounds awful. Like wow. That's got to be an intense feeling for you.”

“To think about it all these years later and it's still that intense for me.”

“I can see why you hate dogs, especially black ones. What you really want underneath it all, is to feel peace in our home.”

“I think that's kind of what I want. We've kind of got it going, the kids are out of the house, and we can travel and do things and it's kind of peaceful around here.”

“What you want is a peaceful home, and you want to feel safe and not have that trigger about your little sister, right.”

“I feel like I just went to a therapy session. That was awesome. Thanks for listening. I can kind of see how unreasonable that is now. Thanks, Babe.”

“You know honey, I care about you, So what should we do?”

“Well, Dr. Darlene said, get that platter out and put five ideas on there. Should we do it?”

“Yes.”

The couple snuggles up side by side, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip. They look at each other and they look, at the platter of ideas.

“How about wallpaper, that looks like dogs. How about if we tend to someone's dog? How about if you do dog walking?”

Truly the facts are white little dogs don't trigger him and it's important to her, and he's realized his trigger. She was such a great listening partner and helped him through it. It's such a beautiful thing when we follow the rules.

It can go both ways and you with your partner, call this, I call it the backtracking model. In my "Power up your Marriage" ebook. It's called the "in other words.” So “in other words,” what you're saying is, so in other words, and that's what I call it, the “in other words,” model. Let's go through the steps really quickly and then we'll finish up. Number one, you take turns listening, one person talks, one listens fully. We talk to process, not to report. We talk to process and discover not to report.

When you come home to tell about your day or let's say kids are having an issue with the teachers at school and mom comes home and wants to tell her partner about it and he says, ”what's the short version?” Well, here's the deal, she needs to tell you the long version, so she can process this and discover how she feels. “If I just knew how I feel, that would be more of a report. I'm reporting on my day, I'm reporting on my feelings, I'm reporting on what happened.” Typically we're not reporting, we're processing as we speak. Human beings process as they speak. That's why we stick our foot in our mouth, so very often. As we're talking we're thinking. If I'm processing it as it's coming out my mouth, then if you listen to me and go, “So are you saying this?”

“No, I'm not saying...,” then the person talking can process much better. We talk to process and discover not to report. As one person is talking, they're discovering like the guy hating black dogs. He didn't know why, but she listened so well that he figured out how he felt because he was processing. That's why listening is so important.

I’ve recorded another podcast that's all about just listening. It’s so powerful, check it out. So number one, take turns listening and let the other process and then you paraphrase them or whatever you want to call it. Reflective listening. “What I hear you saying is...,” “I want to make sure I really get what you're saying. Are you saying that…” You need to really make it a question, “Is this what you're saying?”

Paraphrase and keep going and listening until they give you a full body yes, then you switch turns and you trade, and it's the other person's turn to talk. As you listen if they say something ridiculous, still listen completely. They might come home and say, “I hate all children” and instead of going, “he shouldn't say that you're not going to heaven.” If you want to backtrack this, you would say, “oh, so you hate all children?”

“Yes. I hate every single little child.”

“Oh, and it's sickening to you, is that right?”

“Well, they're kind of sick!” and then pretty soon if you keep listening, they start to chill out. Take turns, and then what you do is you keep going until you find the core of what they really want. It's not on the surface. People don't want little dogs for no reason. They don't want a fence for no reason. They don't want to Harley for no reason. Find what they really want. Isn't this fun, that you actually have the hope to talk to people. This is what I say, take turns, and when it's their turn, you shut up. Just paraphrase them until you get a full body yes and then and only then, when you have two sides that we know what they really want, then we decide how to solve the problem.

The biggest deal with communication and why we communicate and the need to communicate in different means of communication and all of that stuff and understanding others; all the things that are important are to problem solve in the right way at the right time. See if you do it too soon, you can't problem solve until you know what you both want. Do not problem solve too soon.

Isn't it nice to know that you now have skills and tools to understand how to communicate through listening and talking appropriately, taking turns waiting for a full body “Yes,” and most importantly having respect for others? Thank you so much for following along. It's just so fun to be able to share these things with you in this forum to get the feedback that you, you send and make sure to subscribe to The Best Years podcast. Then you get my new podcast right to you instead of having to go to Facebook or Instagram to find them. Subscribe!  I really would appreciate a review that helps ranking so that it makes it so that I can, have my voice in my stuff heard in more places.I appreciate reviews and I love, love, love comments to have a conversation about it. Comment below. Have a great rest of your day. Have Fun communicating and have fun and enjoy the new skill of listening. thank you, Talk Soon!

Four simple steps that work! 

Boundaries, oh what a good topic. Let's discuss emotional boundaries, family boundaries, professional boundaries, work boundaries, and friendship boundaries. But first, what is a boundary? Today we'll talk about how do you set them? How do you enforce them? There's a skill of knowing how to do this. Get your pens and papers out, and let's get going.

Define Boundaries 

A boundary is a fence. A boundary is an edge, a boundary is where one thing stops and something else starts. A boundary is a healthy, human way of thinking, "This is where I end and you begin." It's what I will do, what I will not do, what works for me, what does not work for me? It's a clear line or a barrier.

If you think about a cute, little sheep and she's out in the middle of the meadow, or the woods, it is kind of scary if there are no boundaries. Now let's put a nice fence around this darling little sheep. If you put the fence too close, the fence is inhibiting her movement and she can't run and jump and play. She can't even be a sheep! If it's too far away, our poor sheep could be subject to all kinds of predators. It's a little bit scary. Imagine we have a fence around us. What components make up our fence? What boundaries do we need in our lives?

Personal Boundaries 

We need boundaries, say personal boundaries such as food and drink, "What will I accept in my body? How much exercise would I use to benefit my life? What would I do that works for me, on a personal, day to day level?" We can have a boundary of words. "What kind of words will I accept coming my way? What kind of words doesn't work for me? We can have a boundary with substances. What substances work for me, and at what level? How many drinks would I have for my rules, for myself, for my own boundaries?

We can do boundaries with other people, but we can also have boundaries and rules, I call them, with ourselves. We may have physical boundaries. "You can't hit me. If you hit me even once, I'm going to leave you." We might say, "My physical boundary is don't touch me. If you bump me, I'm going to leave you. The boundary can be too tight, it can be too loose. We can have emotional boundaries, "I can't be around that person because he drains my energy and it hurts me." As we think about our boundaries, I'm going to tell you four steps to setting boundaries. If you don't follow the four steps, you'll be an average person that only does the last step and it doesn't work.

We need these first steps. I'll get to it in a moment. First, before the four steps, realize that you are important. Have enough self-respect that you care about you. If you don't have you, you have no one. It's really awful to not have self-respect. Because then people can take advantage of you. They use your time and energy. They're always calling, wanting things. You give and you give and there's nothing left. The benefit of a boundary is an amazing thing to be able to say no, to know where the edge is, to know what works and what doesn't. Let's talk about general boundaries with the steps, and I'll give examples.

Setting Boundaries 

The first step is, what do I really, really want? Let's say someone walks in your house with mud on their shoes. Let's say your grandkids or your grown children walk in your house with mud on their feet. Does that work for you? We might have a rule, and rules and boundaries are closely connected. Boundaries are a wee little bit more on the emotional side. They're setting the rules in a firm way; so, they kind of overlap a little bit. "I don't want any mud in my house," or, "okay, fine mud just on Thursdays," or, "well if they're just a little dusty with a little water, that's fine." What is it that you want? Another example, let's say your grown child talks to you disrespectfully, are you okay with that? At what level are you okay with that? Are you going to set a boundary right here, or are you just going to let them continue to call you names and use vulgar words? Can they swear at you, can they tell you-you're a horrible person or do they have to have respect towards you?

What will you accept? 

See, the question here is huge. What will you accept? What do you really want? That's number one. What do you really, really want? You can't set a boundary until you have had this little talk with yourself. What works for you? Let's say your kids want you to tend your grandkids every minute, all the time. They keep getting pregnant again and again. They have twenty-seven kids they want you to tend to every day. You're a mother, so it's your job to be good to your kids and you're a good Nana, so you want to do everything right. But they just take advantage of you! Okay, we've all been there! You Nana's and Papa's, what kind of rules, what kind of boundaries do you want to set?

Let’s Get Started 

1. What works for you?  I know for me, babysitting about two hours is all I have. Judge me all you want, but two hours is all I have for a time, then I can still love the kids. I can do it. You know, I can be there presently for them. My kids know that and if they abuse that ...? I tell them, "I have two hours," and they come back four hours later, what do I do? What do I care, what if it's a onetime episode, what if it's every time?

In another example, your kid at whatever age borrows your car and they don't bring it back. What's your rule, what is your boundary? You have a girlfriend that borrows your stuff, what's your boundary about that? Again, number one, what do you really want and what categories do you have? You're gonna write your categories down and write down your boundaries for them. Number one, what do you really want?

2.  Decide then within that, where the line is, the fence, where's the line going to be? "I'll tend two hours, because if it's more than that. I won't be tending for you, for quite a while." Or whatever works for you.

3.  Decide how to enforce the boundary. If you do that, then what happens? That's what you have to decide, what's going to happen. If my husband tells me I'm a loser, or criticizes me and it's beyond my boundary, I have let him know, what do I do? What is the line?

4.  Let others know where your line is.  The fence, and what will happen if . . . .

Healthy Boundaries 

Now listen up because there are more important things that need to overlay this. When you're setting a boundary, after you've decided what it is, where the line is, what you will accept, what you will not accept, and what will happen if that happens again; you need to understand the verbiage that you use is super important. Boundaries need to be two things with verbiage and attitude. They need to be nice and they need to be firm. Write that down. They need to be nice and they need to be firm. I kind of borrowed that from Joy and Gary Lundberg in their book, "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better." One of the best books on the planet. Very ladened with verbiage and boundaries and validation, it's fabulous. To summarize their point, a boundary needs to be nice and firm.

Nice but Firm 

If you can ever start a sentence with "Golly," it's too nice. "Geeze, I wish you wouldn't bring mud in. I've asked you 10 times. I've set a boundary. I've told you so many times not to wear your shoes in the house, we just got new carpet, and it's just all dirty now." "Please don't do that." That's too wimpy. We want it to be nice. We also want it to be firm, but not too firm. "If you ever come in with mud on your feet, I'm going to take your shoes, I'm going to shred them and then I'm going to burn them." "Do you hear me? Don't ever do it again!" It's a little bit too firm. A nice and firm sentence would be, "I need you to not have mud on your shoes when you come in. I need you to take your shoes off." Think of this format when establishing a boundary, "If you ...., then I'll ...." I.E. "If you come in with mud on your shoes, then I'm going to need to lock the door and make it a solid lock for about a week. Any questions? I love you." Hear me out, nice and firm and you want to end your sentence with, "and I love you. Any questions?"

Let's, do a really extreme example. "If you use cocaine in the house, again, I'm going to call the police, and they will arrest you, and I love you. Any questions?" It's really nice, it's not emotional, I'm not freaking out about it, I'm not being mean and rude. I'm being really nice and I mean really firm. "If you step in the house with mud on your shoes again, then I'm going to take your shoes away or lock the door and I love you. Any questions?"

Now, you don't need to say I love you, any questions every time. Sometimes you may want to, but it needs to be embedded that there are no questions. There are no questions, the fence has been erected right here. That's what it is. Not too rigid, not too whiny, but nice and firm.

Wording Boundaries 

Let's talk about verbiage. "I need you to ...." "What works for me is ...." "This is what I need...." "This is what will not work for me...." "If you do that again, then I will need to ...."

"I've decided that I can only tend two hours or I've decided that I can only go up until five o'clock every day, after that, then I won't be able to join." It's a very firm, a nice thing. I've decided is one of my favorites.

Another one is "I'm choosing." "I'm choosing to not do that anymore. I won't be able to help you and I love you. Any questions?" Again, you don't need to say I love you, any questions, but it's embedded. It's very firm, it's very laden with self-respect. As I said, there are emotional boundaries. "If we go on a road trip together, then I need to have a moment of silence every hour just for my brain. That's what's going to work for me if we go on a road trip together." (I've actually had to say that to friends.)

Family boundaries

"Mom, I am so happy to come to Thanksgiving. I've decided it doesn't work for me to talk about dad and your divorce. If you're going to talk about the divorce, then I'm going to need to leave. If you'd like to have me over, then I need you to not talk about the divorce, does that work for you? I love you!" Family boundaries, isn't that a good one?

Professional boundaries 

"Jack, I need you to text me before you come over and talk to me. I really like talking to you, I just need you to text me first. Sometimes I am in a thought thing, and I'm really busy in my brain. I really appreciate that. Thank you." Not "Jack, can you just text me before you come over to my cubicle? It is just weird to have you stop by without warning." The thing about a whiny boundary is you go on and on and on with explanations. "I don't want you to come over to my cubicle; because then I'm not concentrating and then it kind of brings me out of my grove and I just kind of can't keep switching my focus. You keep coming over and I keep asking you not to you and, and it kind of goes on and on."

You want to state this verbiage instead, "I'm deciding..., I need you to...," These set up firmly and then period. Embedded with "any questions?" You can set boundaries in all sorts of relationships.

Friendship boundaries 

Super important and sometimes we don't even need to say boundaries. What's really important here, this is the most important thing, is that a boundary is what works for you. You are not telling someone else what to do, you're saying what works for you. If I say, "Can you please smoke outside, just regular cigarettes. In order to be my roommate, I need you to smoke, down the driveway or out of the back patio, Thank you." I never once said, don't smoke.

I just said, what works for me because I don't end at my skin. I own all of the airspace in the room I'm in and so do you! It overlaps. Sometimes we need to get along. "What doesn't work for me is this. You screaming obscenities in this room. I'm not telling you to not do that, just telling you I will remove myself. I love him." It's so powerful. Setting boundaries with coworkers, setting boundaries at work, setting boundaries with friends all over the place, healthy boundaries and most importantly, setting boundaries with yourself. Making rules for yourself. Finding the boundaries and knowing what they are.

Recap 

Have self-respect. You are a beautiful, important person. You know what, never ever has anyone walked this earth that is exactly like you. You're special, you're important, and you deserve to take care of your airspace, your body, your ears. You deserve to protect yourself in every way. Not by telling others what to do, but letting others know, "Red alert, this is what works for me."

Healthy Emotional Boundaries 

Number one, what do you really, really want in each category? Once you decide that, number two, decide where exactly the line is. Then number three, decide how to enforce the boundary, and number four, let others know what your boundary is. "Just so you know, it doesn't work for me," or "Just so you are aware, this is going to happen. If you ..., I'll ...," and you let them know the boundary and then you enforce it. Bam!

When you feel weak and people walk all over you, that's when you need to take that time to go sit in the bathroom with the toilet lid down and talk to yourself. Say, "Alright, what do I really want? What's going to work for me? This is how I'm going to say it and I'm going to stick with it because I'm important. If I don't have me, I have no one." As you learn exactly how to set the boundaries and do it and implement them, you'll have more power in your life. So, happy boundary setting!

I hope you learned something today. Please subscribe to my podcast and check back here so we can hang out and learn more together as we go through the best years of our lives. Thank you, and talk soon!!