Tragedy on the 4th of July and What I Learned

As tragedy strikes in our lives, helplessness sets in and is one of the most difficult emotions to sort through and understand. This is a personal story of my loss and despair this 4th of July. Because of my understanding of the unconscious mind I was able to come up with surprising thoughts and learning’s. Rarely used thinking strategies can help all of us to overcome self-sabotage in a powerful way.

Helplessness is one of the most difficult emotions to sort through and understand. Fear and anger seem to have a more tangible conclusion and remedy, but helplessness goes deep into the meaning of life and attempts to destruct the soul, manifesting as self-sabotage.

I lived through a helpless tragedy last night, the eve of the 4th of July 2007. At about 11:30 PM the phone rang and I immediately wondered who would be calling so late. My caller ID said it was from Kathy, my good friend and neighbor, and I anxiously answered the phone. Kathy said, “Have you looked outside?” I said that I was in my office checking email and filing some client files. She said,”The whole neighborhood is in your yard because the entire mountain is on fire.” My husband and I ran outside to see a blaze that was as big as a crater about 30 acres wide, overtaking the slope.

As mentioned in my “What Stops You?” book, I live at about 5000 elevated feet across the frontage road from jetting mountains that ascend to about 7000 feet on the front peak and 8000 on the back peak. My favorite place in the world is on my swing on my back patio that sets my gaze directly upon the jagged rocks of the mountain’s face. The trees in my yard frame the portrait perfectly for a magnificent breath taking experience. It is often my place of refuge and inspiration to write my books.

My mountain on fire? My mountain being destroyed? My view being tormented to ashes and coal? As we watched the scenario unfold from our side yard, the hubbub and mayhem escalated; fire engines, sirens, cops, flashlights, and on- looker’s panic. I realized that all my neighbors considered that mountain theirs as well. “We live here and pay the mortgage for that view!” they said. My heart sank. My piece of pleasure, my treat at the end of the day, my serene scene being engulfed as I stood there; nothing I could do.

There was talk of evacuation for the near-by houses. What would I take? My kids were out and about, not at home so they were OK. My favorite dog died a few months ago and he was not there… I would take my pictures and my computer. Should I run in and gather or should I act as relaxed and entertained as the teenagers standing around saying, “Cool.”

Inside my heart, sadness took over. 55 firefighters started the war against the heat and rage. Because it was so late, the helicopters with water were going to come in the morning. The morning? What? The whole mountain will be gone by then. Looking up, we saw brave firemen climbing and scaling the hill with shovels, flashlights and courage. They were excellently trained to dig a trench along the bottom edge to create a fire wall. Finally our homes were out of danger, but the torch continued up and over the peak only to ravish the other side into the gully.

It is now 7:30 PM on July 4th. Almost 25 hours later, I still hear helicopters carrying water from a man-made pool that the fighters created, that held water for their huge baskets to carry over the hill. The smoke is dissipating and the frenzy is completing; only a smoldering site remains. It will take 2 years to start to mend and 5 years to display a green view again.

As my husband and I walked back inside, I started to wilt. “Why do the things I love most, the simple things that bring me pleasure get taken away? Since my dog was killed, who was also a great treat to me at the end of the day, my mind has not been as nimble and I begin to fall into thinking patterns that are limiting. My husband said, “Honey, what stories are you writing in your mind?” Alas, again a family member slaps me back into reality; back to no nonsense and back to remembering that I wrote a book about thinking strategies. I well know and teach that depression comes from focusing on things we don’t have instead of what we do have. I know that what we focus on we give power to. I know that we are limited by looking at something in only one way and stepping back causes a greater perspective of wisdom. I know that it is not what happens to us that causes our problems; its how we think about what happens, that causes our problems.

Now I sit alone on my swing, with out my little dog Beau by my side, looking at a charred scene. All of a sudden I magically begin to see the whole landscape behind the first hill; the second mountain rising. Hum, I had always focused on the front ridge. I begin to see things I hadn’t noticed before. I then realize that God is with me even though my dog isn’t. My family supports me and you are all my friends. I am indeed not alone. It is not just positive thinking that pulls me out of my despair; it is looking at the same problem from a different angle. Thanks to my maneuverable brain, I can find joy in any situation. I find myself in the present moment with my health, a good BBQ’d steak in my belly and passion for tomorrow’s adventures. I have decided to choose the life I want and live the life I choose. On occasion it is OK to cry, yet as future sunsets glare on my mountain for years to come, it will remind me that I have choice to see beyond the dark colors and past what seems to be obvious. Opportunity awaits all of us, by overcoming self-sabotage deep inside our minds.

Power to you in your tragedies and sorrow, power to you in finding that “choice of thoughts and actions” are the most powerful gifts we have been given in this life.

Cheers,
Darlene

My Saddest Day

To my dear friends, family, clients and readers:

I have some of the saddest news I can think of… next to my husband or kids-family being hurt. (I am grateful that they are safe and healthy.)

For those of you that come to my office in Salt Lake, you know my dear little ball of fluff, my 5 year old Maltese, Beaumont. He was killed on Tuesday, Jan 2, 07, one of the most terrible days I have ever lived. Beau was part of my office décor and greeted every guest with a desire to sit on their lap and comfort them. I always said, “Beau, go to your bed…” and he immediately obeyed scooting under my desk. He had a tiny little bed I bought from the Build A Bear store.

The reason I am sharing this news with you is in a desperate attempt to reach out for information, resources or knowledge of the life after this one. I have my spiritual beliefs that are deeply imbedded in my heart yet for some reason I am not comforted. My mind tells me he is in a great place but my body and heart worry that he is scared because his only comfort was when he was with me, safe in my arms or at my side. The scriptures say little about the next life and I haven’t found much information about animals. I have Betty Edie’s book and a few others to try to find solace.

If you have any thing to share with me I would appreciate it. I can hardly breath…I’m in a fog…There are many of you, if not each of you that have experience similar loss and I would like to compile a booklet of your experiences and learning’s for others to use in time of need; death, divorce, etc there is so much pain to experience in life, yet… I testify of the great joy that is possible too. I just can’t remember that right now.

There are great NLP techniques to help clients work through loss and I have helped many people through this process. I just can’t seem to help my self. I need a therapist…Nadine; I will be calling you…

I called my friend who’s husband died three weeks ago. I can’t imagine that. I know many of you have experienced this; losing a spouse. I said, “Trish, how do you do it?” She said, “You just pretend.” My heart is with you Trish.

Beau was at my side 100% of the time when I was at my house and office. He was ALWAYS with me and I spend most of my life at my home and office. With him gone it is not right. I know I am not taking my own advice right now and had to apologize to my little girl. It would be good if I could be a better example for her but, ya know, I just can’t do it right now.

I held his dead darling body for 8 hours after he died, combing his hair and cherishing every minute. I cried for two days straight. Yes, he is just a dog and I keep reminding myself how thankful that I am that it wasn’t one of my kids or husband or direct family member. We need to cherish every minute with those we love.

The very hideous part of all this, is how he died…I can barely tell you…aou…well, you know my office and waiting room have quite a few doors all over the place. As Beau follows me every where, even to go in the house for lunch, potty etc; I always make room for him to come through the door with me. Lacey, the cocker is many times in the pack following me around…my husband bought a new car. He came in my office and said, “Come see the car.” I was excited and followed him out. We were looking at the car for a while when I looked up I saw that we had left the waiting room door wide open…I hate a cold office…I abruptly walked over to the darn door to slam it shut so we wouldn’t waste money on the heat bill and to keep the office warm. I didn’t know Beau was running next to me. He thought we were going through the door and I was just going up to it to slam it and return to the car outside…He was scooting by me and I slammed it on Beau. Oh my hell… can you believe it? Right on his head… he immediately went into a half-coma…we rushed him to the vet…his heart beat up until we got to the vet and then it stopped. The vet grabbed him ran to the back room and immediately started beating on his little chest, real hard as though he was hitting a horse. The vet shoved tubes down his throat and started blowing, doing CPR. He got a syringe and jabbed his heart full of adrenalin, He worked on him for 20 minutes as my husband held me…so, I freekin killed my own dog. I was his safe haven an in the end, isn’t it ironic…I didn’t protect him. Wow, I am really showing my human-weak, messed up- side…sorry…That night I got on my tread mill and sprinted mile after mile just sobbing. Exercise always makes me feel better.

I would love your help as to what is next…

I am grateful that I was actually the one who shut the door on him, rather than my husband or daughter. Then I would have to comfort them and help them not feel guilty. (#**^##^!!!!!)

I saw clients to day, for the first time and I think no one knew the wiser. It helps me to assist you in your need and gives me a break from my sadness…I am sooo thankful for each of you and what you have taught me. Collectively my group of clients, friends and readers could cure all the world problems. If you have any books to read, appropriate scriptures about death, or could send your love my way I will pass it on to all those that I know, that have pain… the world can become a better place.

Thanks so much for listening, it helps to express.

BEAU, I LOVE YOU… I LOVE YOU BEAU.

Very sincerely,

Darlene
January 5th 2007

It is the next day now. Last night was most interesting…Yesterday I was in my office all day. I am finally being desensitized being in there, seeing his little bed and water bowl. I can be in there and not freak out now…I can’t go in the waiting room for too long yet and going in the house is torture. I haven’t desensitized my self to the house yet. All day I was distracted. When the evening came….oh no….my mind started to play games and flash all sorts of pictures of him….all the sudden the pic of the traumatic moment started re playing over and over; maybe because I had just written all about it. It played over and over a thousand times and started to freak me out. Finally my husband came home and I said, “Distract me, quick…say something, anything….about work, what you did to day… help.” He started to distract me while we took a drive to the bank to make a night deposit. When we got home I knew I had to face the bedroom where we have a nice couch and TV set up. Beau ALWAYS sits next to me on this couch…ah…I walked in the room and my body started to jerk. I found that the jerking helped release the body memory of him next to me so I started purposely jerking and shaking my arms and moving my body abruptly…I couldn’t believe it, it worked. I was able to sit on the couch with out the feeling that I needed him next to me.

When I started to replay the trauma pic I did eye rainbows back and forth 50 times and patted my knee and hummed a non sensible song. It really worked. (Called Brain Gym)

It’s not that I am trying to hurry and heal, it is that the pain is seriously unbearable so I just need to get out of it. The pain is almost a fear of suffocating where my eyes get big and wide and I need to do something….

That’s my learning for now.

Dogs Can’t Do Math

People make meanings to situations quickly and easily. For example, if your boss walks by you and doesn’t say “Hi,” you may think, “Oh, they don’t like me.” If a coworker is late to a lunch date, you may make it mean that they: a) don’t care about you, b) are inconsiderate or c) you are not important to them.

In addition, people use meaning equations, similar to math equations, to attach a situation or feeling to a meaning. For example: I am fat = I’m not acceptable = I’m useless = I don’t exist. In another example: I am afraid of making sales calls = I won’t make money = I am a failure = I am incapable = I’m worthless = I don’t deserve to survive = I don’t exist. Most limiting beliefs eventually equate with death or non-existence. No wonder the limiting belief of being unlovable is so drastically painful. It is not your life that causes prob lems; it is the meanings you create in your life that causes problems.

People make meaning equations constantly and continually from every conversation they have, everyone they meet, things that happen around them and things that don’t happen. People form their own perceptions and perspective all day long as though their way of thinking is a tangible reality.

Modeling others that are successful is a great way to learn. Have you ever thought of mod eling your dog? If you have a dog you will realize that they simply do not place meanings to objects or events. They don’t know the meaning of the word “why.” They never ask, “Why did you set me down? Why did you put me in the laundry room? Why can’t I go with you?” They just accept what “is” even though they may think, “I want to stay on your lap. I don’t want to go in the bathroom. I want to go with you.” But they don’t ask “why.”

Here is an example of a day with my dogs. We have two dogs, a Cocker Spaniel and a Maltese. When we go on vacation we take the dogs, of course. Beau is the Maltese, and he is really just like a 4-pound mouse with long, white hair. He is a wimp and I like to take him in my little doggy purse wher ever we go. Lacey is a bigger dog, very stalwart and hardy at about 25 pounds. Sometimes when we go, we take Beau and leave Lacey in the hotel or washroom in the condominiums. I started to feel bad about Lacey’s abandoned feelings. I imag ined that she felt sad because Beau got to go with us and she had to stay behind. Then it occurred to me that Lacey ac tually didn’t understand the same way a human would. As I contemplated the situation more, I realized that maybe Lacey was actually pretty smart because she didn’t attach the meaning of feeling bad that Beau got to go and she didn’t. The actual meaning she makes is: “I am alone in the washroom.” Period!

Here is another example. Beau can’t eat table food be cause he will just throw it up. So when we give table food to Lacey and not Beau, what meaning does Beau make? The meaning is simple: “I want food and I’m not getting any.” Contrary to human be liefs, he is not making it mean that we like Lacey better.

We humanize our dogs and imagine that they think as humans do. They don’t. They are only classically conditioned to paired stimuli. They connect two things together like the command “sit” with “get a treat” or “come here and get petted.” They pair the two activities without attaching any meaning. When they poop, they get put outside. Soon they are trained to choose their behaviors with the attached outcome. But they never reason “why.” This is why dogs always forgive so easily and love unconditionally. They are 100 per cent in the present moment. They don’t create any meanings to situations and never ask why. Wow. The lesson here is to act like your dog. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve had. Dogs are more excited to see you the longer you are gone and dogs never expect gifts.

How can you learn to be more like your dog instead of going through long equations? What if you just started accepting what “is” and saying “oh” more often? Chances are that the equations you make now are just unnecessary mind chatter. Be more like your dog and man’s best friend.

The Fables You Write About Life And Business

For each experience in your life, both positive and negative, you create a meaning to the situation. That meaning is what we call a belief. A belief is something that you may perceive to be true but cannot be scientifically proven as true. Beliefs occur when we look at something from a one-sided, limited perspective. For example, if you look at a piece of paper straight on, it appears to be a white rectangle. Now you are quite certain that it is a white rectangle. You would stake your life on it and never change your mind. What if I look at the paper from the side and sees a long, white, thin line? I am looking at the same item and I am sure I’m seeing a line and not a rectangle. The two of us could debate forever about our differing viewpoints. Only when we are willing to look at the paper from a different angle or point of view do we see a new perspective. Both of us are right about our own out looks from our own specific perspectives. A belief is looking at something in only ONE WAY.

Beliefs that you have are really stories or fables you have written in your mind. They are not really true, they just seem true to you. You have written your story very convincingly and may perceive it to be true, but it is only true to you. If you want to be more in control of your thinking and internal limitations, the most important thing you can do is notice when you have a limiting belief. What limiting beliefs do you have?

Examples of Personal Limiting Beliefs:

• Math is hard for me.
• I will never be thin.
• I’ve never been good at details.
• I’m not a good ball player.
• I can’t do it.
• I’m not good enough.
• I am worthless.
• I’m not lovable.
• I am not a patient person.
• I can’t remember things very well.
• I am incapable of so many things.

Examples of Professional Liming Beliefs

• I can’t make money.
• I don’t know how to sell.
• I’ll never be good at business.
• I’m not lucky.
• I can’t manage my team.
• I am not able to make money.
• I don’t deserve money.
• I don’t know what to do next.
• I don’t have talent.
• I am not good at balancing my bank statements.

Make a list of your limiting beliefs. Look at your limiting beliefs and say: “I have written a fable that…” For example: “I have written a fable that I am unlovable.” Go down your entire list. Before each limiting belief say, “I have written a fable that…”

What happens if you put a question mark at the end of the liming beliefs statement? “I am unlovable?” “I don’t deserve success?” What answer do you give yourself to those questions?

Look at the belief from someone else’s perspective; someone that you respect. How would they feel? Put your belief on them and imagine how they would act. How do they handle the situation? How do they act differently? How would they think and feel about the same issue? If they feel differently about the same statement, then there must be more ways to look at it than from the stuck perspective you had.

Do these exercises shift your stories? Does your stuck belief begin to move a bit? Do you start to write a different ending to your fable? Notice small or large shifts in your thinking.

Look at your business in a new way. Thinking and believing differently can increase your revenue and decrease your costs. What possibilities does your business have that you hadn’t already acknowledged? How can you look at business in a way you hadn’t thought of before? Write new stories about your business and watch your profits soar.

The Incredible Button

Have you ever jumped to conclusions? Your boss asks you to do something and you immediately make it mean that they don’t respect you? Your coworker walks by with out saying “Hi” and, ever so quickly, you make it mean that they don’t like you or that you are not important. Wouldn’t it be interesting if you were able to pause a bit and not make it mean anything until you gave it some time? What if you didn’t grab a conclusion so quickly? Wouldn’t it be great to not let the good or bad opinions of others affect you in either a positive or negative way and be free of others thoughts?

I have something magical for you! It is a wireless, invisible remote control with incredible powers. Let me explain how it will assist you in keeping control over your thoughts and emotions.

Imagine now that you see a cool looking remote control sitting next to you on the chair. Go ahead and imagine you are picking it up. There are a lot of re ally cool buttons on this remote. The only one you need right now is the button. When any scenario occurs in your life where you begin to make a limiting belief or meaning, push the button and don’t ask “why.”

For example, you have a lunch appointment with a buyer and they are late. After about fifteen minutes of waiting you may begin to make a story as to why they are late. You may think that he:

• Doesn’t want your product.
• Doesn’t really like you.
• Doesn’t respect your time.
• Forgot the appointment because he is dumb.
• Got in an accident and is dead.
• Is late because he can’t find the restaurant.
• Planned for a different day and miscommunicated.

Which meaning should you use? How about none of them? Push your button and go into neutral mode. Make no meaning yet. Wait. Clear your mind. Be open for possibilities. When your associate finally shows up for lunch, then you can ask him what happened and know the real meaning of why he was late. You will realize that you didn’t need to waste your precious time writing false stories.

It is difficult for a person to make no meaning out of a situation such as this. It is very common to quickly attach a meaning to an event. I invite you to use your button often. When you do, go into the “Nothing.” The Nothing is a state of mind where there are no thoughts or beliefs. If your friend is late to lunch, stop right there in the Nothing and wait until you know why instead of moving into a negative meaning.

My clients report that they use their buttons often! The remote comes in so handy because its use is so quick and effective. When you begin to use your button often, you will start to realize that beliefs or meanings are very sub jective and not real.

When will you use your new button this week? When you have learned how to use it, I recommend that you share it with your friends and coworkers; they will surely appreciate the gift.

Do What Successful People Do

Are there tasks in your daily work that you love to do, like to do or simply dread doing? Many jobs include tasks you enjoy and some that you may not like or put off until later. Unfortunately, there are many times when “later” never arrives. Don’t worry; you are not alone.

The sad truth is that most people are not successful in business. One of the main reasons is that they stay far away from the “dreaded tasks.” These tasks don’t go away; they just pile up higher and higher!!

All people have talents in specific areas and tasks they prefer to do over the dreaded tasks. The problem is that a business needs all aspects of expertise and no one job is really more important than another. Is having the office organized as important as making a sale? Ultimately it is, as it “all comes out in the wash.” Each task supports the sale and the functionality of the business; each is profoundly important.

So how can we learn to do the tasks we keep putting off? An NLP principle is to model successful people. For example: if someone has or does something that you want to have or do, look at them and copy their attitude, behaviors, actions and thoughts.

Do successful people have dreaded tasks or are they so lucky that they enjoy every single aspect of their business? Of course they have dreaded tasks. Successful people simply do things they don’t want to because the task is important.

This week, take a look around and notice people you feel are successful. Ask them what tasks they do in their jobs that they don’t like. Most likely they will tell you their least favorite task and then tell you that they do it anyway because they know it needs to be done.

So, the jobs you don’t want to do, that are truly important… Just do them. Believe in the importance of the task and just do it. Break the task into achievable sizes and start at the beginning. Delegate it if you have to and spend your time being productive. Get the unlikable tasks done today.

Doing all tasks consistently will increase your revenue dramatically and lower your costs because you are efficient and consistent.

Are Your Beliefs Moving you to Action?

Is a belief real or not? Think about it. The definition of real is something that can be documented by science and is tangible and testable.

If I believe that the world is scary, am I right? I am to myself, but not to science. My neighbor may believe that the world is fun and full of opportunity. Is she right? To herself, yes, but it can’t be proven by science. With this information, we can conclude that beliefs are not real ! So if beliefs are not even real, then we must be able to change them . Let me explain.

Because our perceptions are not real, we are all walk ing around with our own reality in our own little private worlds with all our meanings and stories about ourselves, others, and beliefs about the world.

Even memories of our past are not real. If a football was in the middle of the room and someone moved it, it would no longer be here, would it? We may have a memory of the football, but it is not real at all now.

So if this is the case, why do past events still seem so real right now? Why do you feel rejected, sad or traumatized just by remembering an event? If it is not real, is in the past and is not present now, why does one feel the emotion years, decades, and possibly a half century later?

The answer is quite simple. Our experiences cause us to attach meanings and beliefs to the stimulus (a memory, thought, smell, sound or even a place). These feelings are coded in our physical bodies. When we come across a specific memory or other stimuli, those meanings, beliefs and feelings resurface.

Are any of these limiting beliefs familiar?

• I am not capable in business.
• I don’t deserve money.
• Money is hard to get.
• I am not good enough.
• I am not talented.
• Others abandon me.
• Other people are lucky in business.
• The world is out to get me.

Take a moment now to realize that these statements are beliefs . Although beliefs may feel, sound and look real, they are not real !

How much more successful will you be when you believe:

• There is a lot of money out there.
• I am capable of some things.
• I am good enough for the things I am good at.
• I am talented at some things.
• Others support me.
• I am lucky in business.
• The world supports all my dreams.

Look at your limiting beliefs from the perspective of a successful person that you honor and respect. What would they say about your limiting beliefs? How would they look at them differently? How can you begin to look at your limiting beliefs differently?

With positive beliefs you can increase your revenue and decrease costs. The cost of your new belief is only the price of your time to think differently, read a positive book or listen to an audio program to assist you. Wow!

It is exciting to know that you can have control over your thoughts.

Whistle While You Work

While we were young, we all learned from Snow White to whistle while we work while the Seven Dwarves set out merrily each day singing, “Hi ho, Hi ho, It’s off to work we go.” They put their hearts into their job no matter what their task.

So many people want to live their passion through their work. They want to spend their life’s effort on what they love. If you love people, it is hard to sit in a cubicle all day. If you love nature, it is hard to be stuck inside. If you love family, it is hard to be shipped overseas to fulfill your job description. You may find yourself going to work with no spring in your step and no tune to whistle.

We don’t always get what we want in life. Life doesn’t dish out situations that we would ask for. It is rare to spend your life’s work doing your passion.

Does this mean that we ought to be sad and unfulfilled? Should we change jobs each quarter to try to finally figure out what we want to do? Is there no purpose to life since we may not have landed in the career of our choice? What choices do we have if we have found ourselves a slave to an occupation that is not rewarding? The answers lie in the workings of the mind; the beliefs and meanings we make each day. They lie in our core values.

Core values are the values that you would never live without and may even risk your life to live the value of each day. If these values were stripped from you, you would almost die. These values may include: honesty, integrity, family, relationships, charity, kindness, progress, service, persistence, living for each moment, love and passion.

Core values cause us to live with purpose and passion. They cause us to feel alive and be who we really are. It is important to hold these core values with us at every moment of each day.

What if you could easily and effortlessly shift your thinking and remember your core values? See what happens when you do this exercise: Write down your top five core values on a piece of paper. Keep them near you when you work.

What happens when you go to work today and you take your five most important values with you? Maybe you wash carpets honestly as you make relationships. You close loans with integrity . You sell houses passionately and feel the reward of the service you provide to the happy family that bought the house. You answer phones all day with persistence and feel progress for a job well done.

Keeping to your core values will give you a positive attitude. Your positive attitude will increase your job satisfaction, performance, and – ultimately – your revenue. Singing and humming are virtually free; so whistle a happy tune and put the spring back into your step.

Do You Argue With Yourself?

Do you find that periodically during the day you have debates with yourself? Are you constantly discussing matters with yourself in order to make appropriate decisions? Doesn’t it seem that if you didn’t have to spend this time arguing with yourself you could spend more quality time making money?

Let’s look at common conflicts that you may be experiencing and see which ones seem to hit home. Examples of both personal and professional internal conflicts include:

• Part of me wants to be good and serve God, yet part of me is mad at God be cause…
• Part of me wants to read this article and learn more, yet part of me feels that it won’t do any good, or I’m too busy.
• Part of me wants to be a business person, and part of me wants to be a stay-at-home mom/dad.
• Part of me likes my coworkers, and part of me does not.
• Part of me wants to exercise, but part of me wants to rest and eat.
• Part of me loves my spouse, but part of me wants to find a new partner.
• Part of me wants to get up early and get a lot done, but part of me wants to sleep in.
• Part of me wants to start my own company, but part of me wants to work for someone else and leave all the administrative stuff to them.
• Part of me wants to go to the networking meeting to get new clients, and part of me is afraid to present my product.

Many people walk around in conflict to some degree for most of their day. For example, let’s say that part of you wants to go to the movies with your kids and spend quality time with them. This part of you knows that they will grow up soon and you enjoy watching them have fun, but the other part of you wants to stay home and get your work projects done. The deadline is coming soon and if your kids were at a movie with someone else, you would have the time to concentrate and be productive. What should you do?

In any conflict you need to take these three steps:

1. Recognize the conflict and acknowledge it. Know what conflicts you are having and write them down.
2. Give attention to both sides looking at the intent underneath the desire. Ask yourself, “Where does this intent come from?”
3. What are you going to do about it? How can you compromise?

Once you acknowledge that both sides present a good outcome, you may realize that slick time management may solve the problem. Make the time to focus and get some work done, clear the two hours and then go enjoy the kids.

What kind of conflicts do you feel? What kinds of lectures do you give yourself? With a little practice and planning, most of the time you will find a way to fulfill both sides of your conflict, without having to give in to one side or the other.

What you focus on, you give power to

The unconscious mind has an unlimited ability to hold information; it never sleeps, and it is always absorbing information and data. Your unconscious intends to protect you in any way that it can; it kept you from falling off the bed last night, didn’t it? It was aware of the edge of the bed and kept you away from it, just far enough to be safe.

The problem is that the unconscious mind (about 97 percent of the brain) is not very smart, at least in a logical way. For this reason, you need to engage the conscious mind so that you will act appropriately. The limitation is that the conscious mind can attend to only about five things at the same time, and everything else fades to the background. Now, five bits of information is certainly a lot less than millions of bits of information, so you must constantly decide what those five conscious things ought to be.

For example: If you look for all the green objects in the room, you will find them, and if you look for all the yellow, you will see all the yellow. If you sort for all the mean people in the world, you will find them; when you look for what is working in your life, you will see it. Focus on what you want. Go for what you want and keep your focus on what you have chosen!

How about your significant other or a good friend? Is there something about them that bugs you? Now be honest. Most people would say, “Yes, indeed.” Now take something that bugs you and visually move it to the background. Next, focus on something that you like and visually make it big and compelling, full of color and life. Let it slide into the foreground. Wow. How do you feel now?

If you choose to spend your mind capacity thinking and stewing about negative things, sure enough, you will feel negative. I do not presume that we live in denial; I offer the concept that we highlight what is working rather than what is not working–in other words, what you have rather than what you don’t have. It is interesting to note that depressed individuals focus on what they do not have. If you ask depressed people how they feel or what their thoughts are, they will tell you about things that are going wrong or things they do not have.

Do you have legs? Some people do not. Do you have food? Some people do not. Do you have a job? Some people do not. No matter what your circumstance, you have something to be thankful for.

Focus on what you have, what you want, what is good, and what can be changed, and move forward in your life.