Ep. 17 Being Heard by Using Listening Skills
For some reason, we all want to be heard.
Not only do I want you to hear the sound of my own voice, but I also want you to hear my heart and feel my heart. And when I talk and share, I want you to get me. To truly hear and understand my feelings, emotions, intents and care about me. We all want to be “gotten.” I get you, you get me and that makes me feel good. It makes our relationship better when we get each other.
Do you wish you could be heard/understood? Most of us, if not all want to be understood. It seems to be a universal need we all have. Since I teach communications in college I have the benefit of reading the textbook over and over each semester. I love the way researchers dissect and categorize listening strategies and tools. I would like to share with you what the research shows about listening styles and their effectiveness. Today's post is a little bit academic. I cover how we can listen more appropriately to understand others and enhance our relationships.
I want you to get your pen out and really understand the types of listening. I'm going to go over listening quickly but in depth. I will cover what listening is, why listening is important, different types of listening and the benefits of listening.
One of the most interesting things you'll learn that’s not intuitive, is that we actually talk and explain to discover how we feel. We're not talking to report. (Read that last sentence again. It’s the most powerful sentence in this blog.)
Typically when someone asks, ”How is your day?” you want to tell them. You may say a social “Oh I’m good” But face it, sometimes you really want to answer their question. You have a desire to tell them REALLY how you day is. And if you do, you're not usually just reporting about your day, you're really kind of introspecting about your day.
We're discovering how we feel by talking. That's why it's so important for you to give the gift of listening, to others. So they can DISCOVER HOW they feel. By talking it out, they are processing. Listening is a gift to the other one because it allows them to think process and make decisions.
When they listen to you, they're giving a gift to you. When you listen, backtrack and validate, you're offering them a gift for them to process right in front of you. Don't interrupt, just listen. You may ask questions for clarification but listening skills includes active listening, which is sounds or nods that shows you're starting to get what they're saying and helps them process.
What you want to do, is listen to calibrate each other, calibrate the talker and the listener. If what you're saying isn't going in, you might need to shift and change. They may not feel heard because you didn't look them in the eye. Some people need you to look them in the eye to feel heard. Calibrate the person you're talking to. Find out how he/she wants you to listen with your eyes, with your nods, with words, with actions.
According to the textbooks I use, there are four types of listening.
One is to discern,
Two is to analyze,
Three is to appreciate, and
Four is to support.
Discerning types of listening
If your listening style is to discern, you're listening to someone to discern right and wrong, good and bad, yes or no. You're discerning feelings, discerning whether it works or it doesn't work. What are you discerning? what's you're grabbing from what you're getting from the listening?
The second way of listening is to analyze
If your style is to analyze, you're just analyzing what it is that is being said. “Yes, it makes sense.” “That doesn't make sense.” “Okay, well what if he did this and…” You're listening. You're sorting and analyzing him. I always say we see what we sort for. For example, if I look across the room, I can sort for green and I'll see green. If I then sort of for red, I'll see red and I don't see the green so well. So when it comes to listening, those that discern or sorting to discern, the next step is starting to analyze.
The third way of listening is to appreciate
Some have an appreciation listening style. They listen just to appreciate. That's all you do when you listen is appreciate, you listen and you tip your head and you think, “I love you so much,” or “aren't you great,” or “isn't that wonderful.” It might be something you don't agree with. You just listen to your son and appreciate what he's wanting to say. The next one that's kind of similar but a little more general, is to support.
Supportive Listening
Then there is the supportive listening style. I'm here, I'm just here to support you. I got you. I might offer some helpful tips as well.
Let's move to other types of listening styles.
You will want to calibrate people you're talking to, notice how they listen, also notate how you listen. Action-oriented, time-oriented, people-oriented, or content-oriented. When you're doing these, which one are you doing? This overlaps with what we just learned about discerning, analyze, appreciate, and support.
Those are broader, now these are more specific
1. The first one is action oriented. I am listening to the action. Listening to create a moving picture of what you are saying.
2. The second one, time oriented. I've got 10 minutes, what do you want to say at that time? I'm constantly looking at the clock.
3. The third one, people oriented. I am not sorting for the detail. In fact, I don't remember how many kids you have. I just know you love them. I know that there are a lot of people involved and I'm listening to how the people are wanting, needing and feeling.
4. Then finally, content orientation. I'm just listening to how many kids you had, I don't really listen to how you feel. just want to know how many times this happened and what the address is, exactly. I remember your address, but I don't remember how you felt when you told me you lived in this house, back in Georgia of how you felt when you caught the big fish. I just want to know what kind of fish it was.
Which one are you? Action time, people or content? According to the text, It is reported that women typically sort for people and content and men sort for time and action.
I think typically, women sort for content so they can remember. If I don't remember your kid's names, it won't show I love you. I'm listening for people and content to support the people thing. With men, it's typically time and action. My brother in law used to say to my sister, "Is this the short version or the long version?" every time she wanted to tell him something. I think, he would sort for time and action. It was a mismatch in their communication styles and was hard on her. She knew she would just tell her girlfriends the long version.
Now this next part is awesome. Make sure you remember this.
I'm telling you, you cannot forget part of this, it's a crackup.
Incompetent listening
These are things you do not want to do while listening.
Number one, selective listening
You're only listening for what you want to hear, raise your hand if you're guilty of that one. Just like I only heard you say you wanted to give me all your money. I didn't hear that you wanted this in return. That's selective listening, we only hear what we want.
The next one is pseudo listening
This is when you're pretending to listen. Ooh, some of you are guilty of that. You're looking at me, you're nodding, but you didn't hear a word I said. Pseudo-listening? Guilty, Every one of you watching football do this. If someone's trying to talk to you you are just half listening, right?. Pseudo Listening is the pretending thing. You get busted at some point when you do that.
The next one aggressive listening
It is all to attack. Oh, I did, Okay, so really? Yeah. Yeah. I need you to do that. Oh, that's how you do it then. Oh, that's what you're saying. Hmm. That's aggressive listening, waiting to attack. This last one, hopefully, you never forget this one.
Narcissistic listening
You are guilty of this, I'm sure you are, because I am, we all do it. Narcissistic listening is this: Friend one says, “Oh girlfriend. I broke my arm and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to be on drugs for so long.”
Friend two says, “Oh, I know. I broke my arm last year. Do you know what I did? I got addicted, you got to watch that Oxycontin. It was so weird because of the car…” And then they tell you the whole story. Maybe they say, “I just had to put my dog down,” then you reply, “I had to put my dog down to two months ago. It was the worst day of my life...?” Thy just hijacked the conversation and turned it to their story and their issue! Damn.
They go into their other stories. “I got an A, on my test. It was so hard. So many A's in high school.” “Every time I got an A, my mom gave me…”
They just keep stealing it away. With every topic you share, sure enough they TURN it to THEM!
Now that you know about it, you’re awareness will be heightened. This will help you notice when you are doing it and STOP it!. It's mean, it's rude, it's narcissistic. We should be smacked in the face with a nerf bat if we do it. Don't hijack the conversation, rather listen and care.
Now that you're aware of that,realize that it is still OK to talk about your issues that are similar as a conversation goes back and forth. Let’s say your friend is talking about their dog dying. After listening and caring about what they are saying, until they are done expressing themselves, validate them. Let them know you heard them. After they take a sigh, then it is OK to share your story. You may reach over and touch the back of their forearm and say, “you know, when my dog died, I just know…….... And you can tell your story.
This may be difficult with girls that talk on top of each other. When there's a girl party or a couple of girls chatting, no one has a talking stick. Ha. Everyone seems to just talk at the same time and interrupt each other, but it's appropriate because that’s how most girls do it. They talk fast, change subjects rapidly, and usually all are OK. But sometimes it is necessary to have that talking stick when one person really needs to talk.
Active listening
What is active listening? It’s when you're listening with your heart. You're not just listening with your ears, you're listening with your heart because you care. You're feeling and you're so into their story because you're not going to be narcissistic listener, that you forgot what you were going to say because you're listening to them actively. With A head tilt, with an eye glance, with leaning in, with breathing with them, with a smile, even with a frown, when it’s necessary. You're feeling them, you're in their space and you're listening with your heart. That's how we feel understood, that's how we feel heard, by listening.
Have Fun with this, this week. This is so great because you can become better and better at communication by listening. You will feel more expressed, and more heard by listening. Thanks for listening and we will talk soon.
