Do you have to fight for what you want?

Do you need to explain it over and over, and then lie a little, or maybe scoot around the truth just a little, or just be bold to get what you want? Do you feel like you listen and then you talk, but you're not sure how to put that all together, because they don't listen and talk? Does this match your relationship? Let's fix that.

I am sure you have heard these terms we in this industry use: paraphrasing, reflective listening, backtracking. All of those are similar. We're going to talk about these and I'll explain what they are, and how to use them in a really interesting way. It's actually, very simple. The saying is, "there's nothing easier than that which you understand." Let's talk about how to listen, and let's talk about how to talk.

The Need of Communication 

Today we're actually going to talk about how to do both at the same time. Then you've got a person over there that's not obeying the rules or maybe he/she is, according to his/herself. As you share what you do, it will encourage others to change what they do. Let me start out with a couple of stories of how to fight for what you want and how to get in a fight when you do it.

This couple moves into this really cool house They're so excited about it. They've got dreams and plans and they've got special light switches and the lights. They've got the bedding and she's buying the towels and it's just great. They've talked about the yard a little bit. Spring is just beginning; so, now they really need to talk about the yard. Well, she comes home and says,

Fight example one 

“Honey, guess what?”

“What honey?”

“I'm so excited, I went to Home Depot and I found the cinder-blocks on sale!”

“What cinder-blocks are you talking about?”

“You know for the fence.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, for the fence we're going to put up. I was figuring, if we get this many on sale, I think we can get two to five truckloads so that we can build it. I think if we go ten to twelve feet high, maybe even fifteen feet high with a wall, it'd be perfect. We can spend less money than we were talking about in the last house we owned for our fence.”

“Okay, first of all, what the hell is a cinder-block? Second of all, what are you talking about honey?”

“What do you mean, what am I talking about? We wanted to build a wall!”

“Uh, you wanted to build a wall?”

“Yes, I love our kids, and we got a new dog, and I just think that if fifteen feet or twelve feet, okay, fine, maybe twelve….”

“Are you freaking kidding me? What are you talking about? You know what, I have to go to work. When you get rational, and you figure out what the heck you're saying. We aren't going to be getting a cinder-block wall. Besides, that's really cheesy. It will look really stupid.”

“You don't even care about me, I'm scared that the kids might get hurt.”

“Oh, the kids are going to get hurt because you don't have some freaking cinder-block thing going on?”

“Honey, I just want to take care of the children.”

“I'm going to work. Listen, I get so sick of your drama. I got to go.”

“He never listens to me.”

Let’s follow the Rules 

How about if we do this again with the rules? I'm going to show you that, sounds good. Start over.

“Hey honey, how's it going?”

“Oh, fine sweetie.”

“Hey, I went to the store and I found some..., I found the best sale ever!”

“What kind of sale did you find?”

“I found cinder-blocks and they are on sale.”

“Okay, tell me more honey. Dr. Darlene told me that when we have a conversation then one person's talking and one's listening, and paraphrasing, and backtracking, and reflective listening you. So, that's what I'm going to do.”

“Oh, sweetheart, that means so much to me that you would actually care to listen, I just really am so excited.”

“Okay, so what you're saying is we can get a better deal for the yard now to get cinder-blocks and make a twelve to a fifteen-foot wall right between our neighborhoods? Is that what you're saying, sweetie?”

“Yes! I'm so excited it's going to really make our family safe and I'm going to feel cozy. You know what? I won't be scared anymore because when I was little it was kind of scary.”

“So when you were little, you had some fear. What happened when you were little?”

“Well, it was awful because we lived by these tracks and this 7-11 type store. There were always people coming and going. We got robbed three times a year. It was really scary. I just want to be safe.”

“You want to be safe in our home, is that what you're saying?”

“Yes, that's what I'm saying, sweetheart. Thank you for listening.”

“What you're saying, is the only way you can think of to be safe, is to have the cinder-block wall.”

“Well, yeah, it's all I can think, I really care about my kids and you and the dog.”

“So what I'm hearing you say baby, and by the way, I just love Dr. Darlene's advice ( 😉) because I'm really forgetting me right now and putting my feelings aside, and listening to you honey.”

“I just love it when you do that. Thank you so much.”

“I'm hearing you say that what you really, really, really, really want is to be safe. Is that right babe?”

“That is right.”

Now, this couple has gone through this situation where she has been heard, he has listened, he has not talked about himself for just a minute. He's only listening, even if it seems unreasonable. Now she feels heard. What we did is to find out what she really wanted, which was to feel safe.

“Honey, can I have a turn sharing my feelings?”

“Yes, that'd be a great sweetheart. Just like Dr. Darlene said, we take turns now I feel heard, now I'd like to hear what your thoughts are, even though I really want it my way. What are you thinking?”

“Well Babe, let me just tell you that I was raised in Chicago and the entire neighborhood had no fences, none. It was like a park, we'd go outside and we felt like we were in this huge giant park. We played baseball.”

“Oh, still that's something that you like from your childhood?”

“That's right. I love that open feeling.”

“So you're saying that you love the open feeling like a park because parks are important to you?”

“Well, it's not just the park thing, it's more about being able to just stretch out. I'm really tall and big and I just want to stretch out and run, I want to be able to throw the ball long ways for the dog. I don't want to have to throw it two feet because our yard is kind of small. I just really like the openness.”

“You're saying that you like it open, that makes you feel free.”

“Yes, it makes me feel free.”

“What you're saying is that you really want to have an open feeling, to have the freedom that reminds you of your childhood?”

“Yes, that's exactly right. I've thought about it that way, but you're exactly right. Thanks, honey.”

Dr. Darlene here saying. Yes, boom, bam!

What They Really, Really Want 

We listened and we talked! If you're going to do this, it takes a minute. You don't get to do this model when people are running in the door and running out, it takes a minute to really put yourself aside and listen. Really listen to what they're really saying. At first, all he could hear was cinder-block and all she heard was, you don't care about our family. But as we went deeper, she really wants is safety and he wants freedom. Now and only now can they begin to solve their problem correctly. How do they do it? Well, you get a silver platter and you set it down in your throw ideas on there that help you get safe and free at the same time. That's right. I think it's kind of cool.

“It's kind of interesting that we actually know that underneath it all, those are the things that are important to us. So what should we do babe? How about a chain link fence?”

“Okay, let's write that down. How about a five-foot cinder-block wall?”

“How about rose bushes? Let's just write it down. Let's not say yes or no.”

“We're writing down five ideas. I heard also as well that you want to have a classy good looking thing.”

“What about a rod iron fence that's twenty feet tall, and you can see through it. How about a six-foot-wide rod iron, pretty looking thing with rose bushes at the bottom.?”

As they look over the list, they come up with a decision. Isn't that just so cool? So here's another story,

The Need for Understanding 

“Hey, oh my gosh. I figured it out, what will fix my life. You know, I've been really depressed and really ornery lately.”

“Yes, I know how you have been really depressed and ornery lately.”

“I know it was explained I know what it is. Are you ready?”

“I have to turn on football, just a second I'll be back.”

“I want to tell you, I'm so excited about what I want and I know it's going to fix my life.”

“Okay, hold on. It's almost half time.”

“Is it over yet?”

“What do you want? Seriously, what do you want?”

“Well, I'm thinking that I've been kind of lonely lately.”

“Seriously, are you done yet? Is the long version or the short version.”

“This is the short version. You just give me a minute. It's really a couple of sentences. I'm thinking if I got a little dog, it would fix my life, it would help me be so fulfilled.”

“Oh my hell. You're not getting a dog. We've talked about it. I hate dogs. Anyway, I have to watch the rest of the game. We'll talk later tonight.”

“You never listen to me, you know what a dog would help me so much. It would just be so good. Then I think she goes into her room and she packed her stuff and she left him forever.”

This can go in two directions. A man can come to the home and say, “I want a Harley,” and the girl goes, “are you kidding me? We have to feed the children!” Understand that these fights can go two directions to finish my dog analogy. We realize this could go either way. We're redoing the dog story.

Finding a Solution Together 

“Honey. I know it's going to fix my life. I'm so excited. A dog.”

“Okay, I got a few minutes. Let's just sit and talk about it. You know I hate dogs, but I'm going to do what Dr. Darlene said I'm and put my feelings aside and I'll listen to you. Tell me about what you're wanting a dog for honey.”

“If I had a dog, it would fix my life, all the kids are out of the house. I just kind of want a white one, maybe a Maltese Poodle. I would put a bow in its hair, and pamper it.”

“What you're saying is you want to pamper something?”

“Kind of, like hold it up to my breast and I would love to hold the dog.”

“Okay, so you want to nurture something?”

“Yes. Yes, that's right. I want to nurture something.”

“Well, don't you have grandkids?”

“I do, but the dog loves me no matter what. Do you know?”

“So you're wanting a dog to nurture, something that loves you no matter what. Is that right, baby?”

“That's right. Sweetheart. How do you feel, sweetheart? Thanks for listening.”

“Well, I hate dogs and you know, I've hated dogs since when we were dating. And now 30 years later we're talking about it again, which is better than one year later.”

“Do you hate all dogs?”

“Well, I don't know. I hate big dogs.”

“So you don't hate little dogs?”

“I don't know. The sound of them, the smell of them, just triggers me.”

“Tell me more, it seems like you have like a lot of feelings about that, about hating dogs. Where did it come from?”

“It's interesting that you ask, it's really helping me think this through. I actually now just recall that I think I am most triggered by black dogs. My little sister was mauled by a dog when she was three. It was the worst thing, she came home and screaming. It was awful.”

“Oh, baby, that sounds awful. Like wow. That's got to be an intense feeling for you.”

“To think about it all these years later and it's still that intense for me.”

“I can see why you hate dogs, especially black ones. What you really want underneath it all, is to feel peace in our home.”

“I think that's kind of what I want. We've kind of got it going, the kids are out of the house, and we can travel and do things and it's kind of peaceful around here.”

“What you want is a peaceful home, and you want to feel safe and not have that trigger about your little sister, right.”

“I feel like I just went to a therapy session. That was awesome. Thanks for listening. I can kind of see how unreasonable that is now. Thanks, Babe.”

“You know honey, I care about you, So what should we do?”

“Well, Dr. Darlene said, get that platter out and put five ideas on there. Should we do it?”

“Yes.”

The couple snuggles up side by side, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip. They look at each other and they look, at the platter of ideas.

“How about wallpaper, that looks like dogs. How about if we tend to someone's dog? How about if you do dog walking?”

Truly the facts are white little dogs don't trigger him and it's important to her, and he's realized his trigger. She was such a great listening partner and helped him through it. It's such a beautiful thing when we follow the rules.

It can go both ways and you with your partner, call this, I call it the backtracking model. In my "Power up your Marriage" ebook. It's called the "in other words.” So “in other words,” what you're saying is, so in other words, and that's what I call it, the “in other words,” model. Let's go through the steps really quickly and then we'll finish up. Number one, you take turns listening, one person talks, one listens fully. We talk to process, not to report. We talk to process and discover not to report.

When you come home to tell about your day or let's say kids are having an issue with the teachers at school and mom comes home and wants to tell her partner about it and he says, ”what's the short version?” Well, here's the deal, she needs to tell you the long version, so she can process this and discover how she feels. “If I just knew how I feel, that would be more of a report. I'm reporting on my day, I'm reporting on my feelings, I'm reporting on what happened.” Typically we're not reporting, we're processing as we speak. Human beings process as they speak. That's why we stick our foot in our mouth, so very often. As we're talking we're thinking. If I'm processing it as it's coming out my mouth, then if you listen to me and go, “So are you saying this?”

“No, I'm not saying...,” then the person talking can process much better. We talk to process and discover not to report. As one person is talking, they're discovering like the guy hating black dogs. He didn't know why, but she listened so well that he figured out how he felt because he was processing. That's why listening is so important.

I’ve recorded another podcast that's all about just listening. It’s so powerful, check it out. So number one, take turns listening and let the other process and then you paraphrase them or whatever you want to call it. Reflective listening. “What I hear you saying is...,” “I want to make sure I really get what you're saying. Are you saying that…” You need to really make it a question, “Is this what you're saying?”

Paraphrase and keep going and listening until they give you a full body yes, then you switch turns and you trade, and it's the other person's turn to talk. As you listen if they say something ridiculous, still listen completely. They might come home and say, “I hate all children” and instead of going, “he shouldn't say that you're not going to heaven.” If you want to backtrack this, you would say, “oh, so you hate all children?”

“Yes. I hate every single little child.”

“Oh, and it's sickening to you, is that right?”

“Well, they're kind of sick!” and then pretty soon if you keep listening, they start to chill out. Take turns, and then what you do is you keep going until you find the core of what they really want. It's not on the surface. People don't want little dogs for no reason. They don't want a fence for no reason. They don't want to Harley for no reason. Find what they really want. Isn't this fun, that you actually have the hope to talk to people. This is what I say, take turns, and when it's their turn, you shut up. Just paraphrase them until you get a full body yes and then and only then, when you have two sides that we know what they really want, then we decide how to solve the problem.

The biggest deal with communication and why we communicate and the need to communicate in different means of communication and all of that stuff and understanding others; all the things that are important are to problem solve in the right way at the right time. See if you do it too soon, you can't problem solve until you know what you both want. Do not problem solve too soon.

Isn't it nice to know that you now have skills and tools to understand how to communicate through listening and talking appropriately, taking turns waiting for a full body “Yes,” and most importantly having respect for others? Thank you so much for following along. It's just so fun to be able to share these things with you in this forum to get the feedback that you, you send and make sure to subscribe to The Best Years podcast. Then you get my new podcast right to you instead of having to go to Facebook or Instagram to find them. Subscribe!  I really would appreciate a review that helps ranking so that it makes it so that I can, have my voice in my stuff heard in more places.I appreciate reviews and I love, love, love comments to have a conversation about it. Comment below. Have a great rest of your day. Have Fun communicating and have fun and enjoy the new skill of listening. thank you, Talk Soon!