Four simple steps that work! 

Boundaries, oh what a good topic. Let's discuss emotional boundaries, family boundaries, professional boundaries, work boundaries, and friendship boundaries. But first, what is a boundary? Today we'll talk about how do you set them? How do you enforce them? There's a skill of knowing how to do this. Get your pens and papers out, and let's get going.

Define Boundaries 

A boundary is a fence. A boundary is an edge, a boundary is where one thing stops and something else starts. A boundary is a healthy, human way of thinking, "This is where I end and you begin." It's what I will do, what I will not do, what works for me, what does not work for me? It's a clear line or a barrier.

If you think about a cute, little sheep and she's out in the middle of the meadow, or the woods, it is kind of scary if there are no boundaries. Now let's put a nice fence around this darling little sheep. If you put the fence too close, the fence is inhibiting her movement and she can't run and jump and play. She can't even be a sheep! If it's too far away, our poor sheep could be subject to all kinds of predators. It's a little bit scary. Imagine we have a fence around us. What components make up our fence? What boundaries do we need in our lives?

Personal Boundaries 

We need boundaries, say personal boundaries such as food and drink, "What will I accept in my body? How much exercise would I use to benefit my life? What would I do that works for me, on a personal, day to day level?" We can have a boundary of words. "What kind of words will I accept coming my way? What kind of words doesn't work for me? We can have a boundary with substances. What substances work for me, and at what level? How many drinks would I have for my rules, for myself, for my own boundaries?

We can do boundaries with other people, but we can also have boundaries and rules, I call them, with ourselves. We may have physical boundaries. "You can't hit me. If you hit me even once, I'm going to leave you." We might say, "My physical boundary is don't touch me. If you bump me, I'm going to leave you. The boundary can be too tight, it can be too loose. We can have emotional boundaries, "I can't be around that person because he drains my energy and it hurts me." As we think about our boundaries, I'm going to tell you four steps to setting boundaries. If you don't follow the four steps, you'll be an average person that only does the last step and it doesn't work.

We need these first steps. I'll get to it in a moment. First, before the four steps, realize that you are important. Have enough self-respect that you care about you. If you don't have you, you have no one. It's really awful to not have self-respect. Because then people can take advantage of you. They use your time and energy. They're always calling, wanting things. You give and you give and there's nothing left. The benefit of a boundary is an amazing thing to be able to say no, to know where the edge is, to know what works and what doesn't. Let's talk about general boundaries with the steps, and I'll give examples.

Setting Boundaries 

The first step is, what do I really, really want? Let's say someone walks in your house with mud on their shoes. Let's say your grandkids or your grown children walk in your house with mud on their feet. Does that work for you? We might have a rule, and rules and boundaries are closely connected. Boundaries are a wee little bit more on the emotional side. They're setting the rules in a firm way; so, they kind of overlap a little bit. "I don't want any mud in my house," or, "okay, fine mud just on Thursdays," or, "well if they're just a little dusty with a little water, that's fine." What is it that you want? Another example, let's say your grown child talks to you disrespectfully, are you okay with that? At what level are you okay with that? Are you going to set a boundary right here, or are you just going to let them continue to call you names and use vulgar words? Can they swear at you, can they tell you-you're a horrible person or do they have to have respect towards you?

What will you accept? 

See, the question here is huge. What will you accept? What do you really want? That's number one. What do you really, really want? You can't set a boundary until you have had this little talk with yourself. What works for you? Let's say your kids want you to tend your grandkids every minute, all the time. They keep getting pregnant again and again. They have twenty-seven kids they want you to tend to every day. You're a mother, so it's your job to be good to your kids and you're a good Nana, so you want to do everything right. But they just take advantage of you! Okay, we've all been there! You Nana's and Papa's, what kind of rules, what kind of boundaries do you want to set?

Let’s Get Started 

1. What works for you?  I know for me, babysitting about two hours is all I have. Judge me all you want, but two hours is all I have for a time, then I can still love the kids. I can do it. You know, I can be there presently for them. My kids know that and if they abuse that ...? I tell them, "I have two hours," and they come back four hours later, what do I do? What do I care, what if it's a onetime episode, what if it's every time?

In another example, your kid at whatever age borrows your car and they don't bring it back. What's your rule, what is your boundary? You have a girlfriend that borrows your stuff, what's your boundary about that? Again, number one, what do you really want and what categories do you have? You're gonna write your categories down and write down your boundaries for them. Number one, what do you really want?

2.  Decide then within that, where the line is, the fence, where's the line going to be? "I'll tend two hours, because if it's more than that. I won't be tending for you, for quite a while." Or whatever works for you.

3.  Decide how to enforce the boundary. If you do that, then what happens? That's what you have to decide, what's going to happen. If my husband tells me I'm a loser, or criticizes me and it's beyond my boundary, I have let him know, what do I do? What is the line?

4.  Let others know where your line is.  The fence, and what will happen if . . . .

Healthy Boundaries 

Now listen up because there are more important things that need to overlay this. When you're setting a boundary, after you've decided what it is, where the line is, what you will accept, what you will not accept, and what will happen if that happens again; you need to understand the verbiage that you use is super important. Boundaries need to be two things with verbiage and attitude. They need to be nice and they need to be firm. Write that down. They need to be nice and they need to be firm. I kind of borrowed that from Joy and Gary Lundberg in their book, "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better." One of the best books on the planet. Very ladened with verbiage and boundaries and validation, it's fabulous. To summarize their point, a boundary needs to be nice and firm.

Nice but Firm 

If you can ever start a sentence with "Golly," it's too nice. "Geeze, I wish you wouldn't bring mud in. I've asked you 10 times. I've set a boundary. I've told you so many times not to wear your shoes in the house, we just got new carpet, and it's just all dirty now." "Please don't do that." That's too wimpy. We want it to be nice. We also want it to be firm, but not too firm. "If you ever come in with mud on your feet, I'm going to take your shoes, I'm going to shred them and then I'm going to burn them." "Do you hear me? Don't ever do it again!" It's a little bit too firm. A nice and firm sentence would be, "I need you to not have mud on your shoes when you come in. I need you to take your shoes off." Think of this format when establishing a boundary, "If you ...., then I'll ...." I.E. "If you come in with mud on your shoes, then I'm going to need to lock the door and make it a solid lock for about a week. Any questions? I love you." Hear me out, nice and firm and you want to end your sentence with, "and I love you. Any questions?"

Let's, do a really extreme example. "If you use cocaine in the house, again, I'm going to call the police, and they will arrest you, and I love you. Any questions?" It's really nice, it's not emotional, I'm not freaking out about it, I'm not being mean and rude. I'm being really nice and I mean really firm. "If you step in the house with mud on your shoes again, then I'm going to take your shoes away or lock the door and I love you. Any questions?"

Now, you don't need to say I love you, any questions every time. Sometimes you may want to, but it needs to be embedded that there are no questions. There are no questions, the fence has been erected right here. That's what it is. Not too rigid, not too whiny, but nice and firm.

Wording Boundaries 

Let's talk about verbiage. "I need you to ...." "What works for me is ...." "This is what I need...." "This is what will not work for me...." "If you do that again, then I will need to ...."

"I've decided that I can only tend two hours or I've decided that I can only go up until five o'clock every day, after that, then I won't be able to join." It's a very firm, a nice thing. I've decided is one of my favorites.

Another one is "I'm choosing." "I'm choosing to not do that anymore. I won't be able to help you and I love you. Any questions?" Again, you don't need to say I love you, any questions, but it's embedded. It's very firm, it's very laden with self-respect. As I said, there are emotional boundaries. "If we go on a road trip together, then I need to have a moment of silence every hour just for my brain. That's what's going to work for me if we go on a road trip together." (I've actually had to say that to friends.)

Family boundaries

"Mom, I am so happy to come to Thanksgiving. I've decided it doesn't work for me to talk about dad and your divorce. If you're going to talk about the divorce, then I'm going to need to leave. If you'd like to have me over, then I need you to not talk about the divorce, does that work for you? I love you!" Family boundaries, isn't that a good one?

Professional boundaries 

"Jack, I need you to text me before you come over and talk to me. I really like talking to you, I just need you to text me first. Sometimes I am in a thought thing, and I'm really busy in my brain. I really appreciate that. Thank you." Not "Jack, can you just text me before you come over to my cubicle? It is just weird to have you stop by without warning." The thing about a whiny boundary is you go on and on and on with explanations. "I don't want you to come over to my cubicle; because then I'm not concentrating and then it kind of brings me out of my grove and I just kind of can't keep switching my focus. You keep coming over and I keep asking you not to you and, and it kind of goes on and on."

You want to state this verbiage instead, "I'm deciding..., I need you to...," These set up firmly and then period. Embedded with "any questions?" You can set boundaries in all sorts of relationships.

Friendship boundaries 

Super important and sometimes we don't even need to say boundaries. What's really important here, this is the most important thing, is that a boundary is what works for you. You are not telling someone else what to do, you're saying what works for you. If I say, "Can you please smoke outside, just regular cigarettes. In order to be my roommate, I need you to smoke, down the driveway or out of the back patio, Thank you." I never once said, don't smoke.

I just said, what works for me because I don't end at my skin. I own all of the airspace in the room I'm in and so do you! It overlaps. Sometimes we need to get along. "What doesn't work for me is this. You screaming obscenities in this room. I'm not telling you to not do that, just telling you I will remove myself. I love him." It's so powerful. Setting boundaries with coworkers, setting boundaries at work, setting boundaries with friends all over the place, healthy boundaries and most importantly, setting boundaries with yourself. Making rules for yourself. Finding the boundaries and knowing what they are.

Recap 

Have self-respect. You are a beautiful, important person. You know what, never ever has anyone walked this earth that is exactly like you. You're special, you're important, and you deserve to take care of your airspace, your body, your ears. You deserve to protect yourself in every way. Not by telling others what to do, but letting others know, "Red alert, this is what works for me."

Healthy Emotional Boundaries 

Number one, what do you really, really want in each category? Once you decide that, number two, decide where exactly the line is. Then number three, decide how to enforce the boundary, and number four, let others know what your boundary is. "Just so you know, it doesn't work for me," or "Just so you are aware, this is going to happen. If you ..., I'll ...," and you let them know the boundary and then you enforce it. Bam!

When you feel weak and people walk all over you, that's when you need to take that time to go sit in the bathroom with the toilet lid down and talk to yourself. Say, "Alright, what do I really want? What's going to work for me? This is how I'm going to say it and I'm going to stick with it because I'm important. If I don't have me, I have no one." As you learn exactly how to set the boundaries and do it and implement them, you'll have more power in your life. So, happy boundary setting!

I hope you learned something today. Please subscribe to my podcast and check back here so we can hang out and learn more together as we go through the best years of our lives. Thank you, and talk soon!!